So, I have a bit of a ‘date’ today. I’ve been chatting with this guy I met online and we’re meeting for a snack and drink at a downtown eatery this afternoon. I’m not sure what I feel about it…this dating thing is still so new to me!
After my 3 divorces (!), I subsequently married each man I saw afterwards. There was really no ‘dating’ around! And, my life was different then. Or at least it felt different. I hadn’t been diagnosed bipolar yet, and was still very much pretending in my day to day life. Obviously, the bipolar affected my relationships, but I think it was because I didn’t have that ‘label’ yet, I still had more confidence in what I brought to table with these men than I do now. Hmmmm…I wonder if others feel like this? Once that label is stuck on, all of a sudden you see yourself differently? As a bit more less than?
|I need to be better at doing this. I’m adding this to my ‘goals’ of the year.|
Anyhoo, after hubby 3 (Ron) and I divorced, I was involved with a man for 3 years. VERY bad at the start with a lot of abusive behaviors, cheating and abandonment happening; better the 2nd year but still with issues; and much better the 3rd year. Better enough I thought we were in a place that was strong enough, and moving ahead well enough, I could take some time for myself to get me back to where I needed me to be. This didn’t set well with him though, and last Oct., I walked in on him (naked!) with another woman in what was supposed to be ‘our’ apartment, just like my house was ‘our’ house as well. (I also think there was someone else there, but I guess that’s not the point. THEY didn’t come out of his bedroom screaming at me to leave! All while using the furniture I provided for US! DRAMA!!!!).
We haven’t ‘talked’ since then…he refused (es) to speak to me on the phone and blocked me from everything except e-mail. So, when I needed to communicate with him regarding my things and all, it was only through this means. (Why is it that the person who has cheated, is the one who acts like the victim? Am I the ‘bad’ guy? For walking in? For not realizing what he was feeling? For not doing enough? As an empath whose feelings run VERY deep, which is common in bipolar, I blame myself for most things anyway).
Not long ago, he e-mailed that he had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I had always known there was something wrong. We knew he had PTSD from his 3 deployments in the Middle East (and this is why I forgave him so much and took him back so many times…he was traumatized from his time in the Army. I understood this). During that first year, I thought he had Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), but the BPD really does make more sense in terms of his patterns in relationships (not just ours). He wanted me to know this to explain himself in terms of how he acted and what he did in our relationship. And I did appreciate this. It gives me much more understanding of everything that happened. (And yes, I still have feelings for him. Feelings run deep in me. He’s the one who lost feelings for me.)
ANYHOO…here’s the thing: I saw us as BOTH “damaged”. BOTH mentally ill. I didn’t have to pretend in front of him. He understood, or I thought he understood, my illness as well as I tried to understand his. It was kind of like we were ‘matched’ in terms of these ‘bad’ disorders.
I did date a lawyer for a month or so around Christmas, and at first it was going really well. I thought this might be something lasting. Then, we had our first argument and he was just mean! Not mentally ill. Just mean!!
So now I’m meeting this guy today. And here’s what I struggle with and really think about: what man would want to take on this woman with bipolar? AND, when do you tell them you have this? Obviously, not on a first date! I’m not that open!! BUT, not after a dozen either. And, since I am really open about it…on Facebook, here, Tedx Talk, etc., someone could dig a bit on me and find out for themselves. Then what? Hmmmm…
That’s a fine line when you think about it. You want to be candid in sharing who you are, but you also want them to get to know you as a person, before the issue of a mental illness is brought forth.
Why is it that if I had diabetes, this wouldn’t be an issue at all? But with mental health, it’s like a shame you have to hide until the time is ‘just right’! Like you have to figure out when to drop this ‘bombshell!’ Because that’s what it is: a bombshell that could break anything you might have built to that point.
|When this DOESN’T happen, that’s when we’ll know the stigma against mental health has been shattered.|
I’m not ashamed to have this illness. It’s just what I have. But I guess I am ashamed of how others see it. Crazy. Unstable. Nuts. Bipolar has a bad rap. And I understand why. It’s a toughie. One that is going to cause issues at times, but that doesn’t mean it has to define the relationship as a whole.
I’m going to tread lightly with this. If I like this guy (and I don’t know…I’m really not that excited for this. I’m more dreading it than anything but like my son says, if you don’t want to be alone forever, you have to get out there) I guess I’ll just have to use my own judgement on when to tell him.
And maybe, I need to think about how I see myself. I use the word damaged. But is that fair to me? Does that mean I see others with mental illness as being damaged? (Actually, I don’t. Just me!) It’s true that my brain is actually “damaged” in that it doesn’t work like other brains. Hello? Mental illness! But am I less than because of that? I FEEL like that. But is it actually TRUE? I don’t know.