So, my son said something so adorable the other day (yes, I know he’s 26 but he’s still adorbs to me) regarding my blog: “Ma, you are blogging so much you are going to run out of things to say.” I looked at him dumbfounded for probably a solid minute and responded: “O, in the name of all that is holy, do you REALLY think I would run out of things to yap about?”
C’mon. I’m a talker. The biggest complaint my teachers had about me in school was how much I talked to the other kids. But the ironic thing is I really didn’t care if they were listening or not because it didn’t matter to me. I wasn’t talking to get information or ask a question, I was talking because I’m the type of person that needs to talk. My ma says I always talked in my sleep, and one of the hardest manners I had to learn was not talking with my mouth full. And if I’m being honest, I still find that very hard to do. I will swallow a glob of food without chewing if I can’t wait to say something I need to get out.
Related to that, I love love love to write and I always have. In early grade school we would copy things from the board to learn our letters and such, but I would always take my paper and write stories instead. I didn’t want to copy, I wanted to create my own story; even at that young age, I wanted my voice to be heard. Bless my ma and dad’s hearts because they saved all of sis’s and my report cards, papers, etc. and I have so many stories in my school box.
Take a look at these: I know the Spotted Apple was written in the 3rd grade and From Outer Space (my personal favorite because of the green yarn binding) was in 4th. Why these 2 tomes didn’t win a Pulitzer is beyond me.
But now, here’s a couple of huge issues: “Sue Ann Gets Married” sounds very much like the hit movie “Peggy Sue Got Married” which was released in 1986, more than 10 years after my ‘book’, while the “Harry Potter” series sounds eerily like my “Harry and the Spider” novel. Now, I’m not saying these original ideas were stolen per se, but I do have a literary lawyer looking into the matter. P.S. If you are reading this J.K. Rowling, I can show you how to shave off a few hundred pages…Harry and the Spider is 4.
As I got older, whenever I needed to vent something, I’d write it. Not in journals (like I’ve said before I’m horrible at keeping those) but just on random sheets of paper, the back of ads, on scraps I’ve pulled out of the garbage can. It’s like I have to get the words out and sometimes, for me, writing is the best way to do it.
Maybe because I’m bipolar I feel the need to do this. When I’m manic, there is absolutely no way I can keep up with the thoughts that are swirling around my brain (my new mood stabilizer is helping!). Sometimes people have asked me what it’s like to be so ‘high’ and it’s kind of like the teacup ride at Disney. You sit in these cups and there’s a wheel in the center that you grab and turn, and your cup goes around and around faster and faster until it feels like you’re almost flying. That’s what it’s like (except you don’t puke in the end). So because of that swirling, writing gets things down for me that I can’t keep up with otherwise. I have notebooks all over the house and if you tried to read them…good luck! But I can read every word I scribble down.
And when I’m depressed? I need to get out things that choke me up to talk about and that I can’t face any other way. Writing allows me to say my thoughts in a way that won’t put off or scare anyone else. These often macabre thoughts are safe on my paper, and seeing them in writing releases them a bit from my brain.
That’s why this blog is so great for me because it gives me an outlet where I can just talk. When I used to sit down in front of a computer as an adult, I would think about perfect sentence structure, perfect grammar, etc. and would be so concerned with the mechanics of the writing and whether or not it sounded perfect, that it was constricting. But now, I just write. Just talk. I don’t care what the sentences look like. I just care about getting down what I need to say that day. That’s what writing should be. Talking…telling stories…sharing ideas. Who cares if it’s perfect?
I wrote a book a few years ago on marriage (go ahead and roll your eyes…but really, after 3 of them, at least I’m experienced in the subject) and I wanted it to be like other self-helpy type books out there. Lots of chapters with cute tables or graphs, illustrations, references, etc. So, that’s what I sat down to write, and I’d get about 5 sentences in it and give up. It wasn’t ‘sciency’ enough and I’d get so nervous about making sure it was up to the standards of the ‘experts’ that I’d just quit trying. Finally, I decided to talk, like I do in class. Just say what I wanted to say and that’s what I did. I talked about what I thought were important aspects of marriage and instead of worrying about it being perfect, I simply let it flow. When writing goes like that with the words coming easily, it feels so freaking good to me!
I have a couple things in the works right now. I’m starting to write a book about being diagnosed bipolar, etc, and I also have a lot of children’s books I’ve written over the years. When my son was a little guy and we’d run out of library books to read, I’d make up stories for him and then write them down later. I’d really like to get an agent to see if they think they’re good enough to submit to a publisher; it’s always been a dream of mine to be a children’s writer. We’ll see!
Anyhoot, I’m having such a great time writing, talking, getting things down I need too, expressing what I’m feeling, and the best part is that y’all are kind enough to take this ride with me. You don’t judge it, or critique it, or try to tell me what I’m doing wrong. You are a wonderfully accepting audience that motivates me to sit in front of my keyboard everyday. Thank you so much for that. I know this blog is light years away from being perfect, but you know what? That’s just fine with me.