So, this is the last time I’m ever going to talk about you because I’m sick of you still having a hold on me that way. I need to put you away…not forget that you happened, but not have you continue to haunt me either. K?
Anyhoot, I decided to write this now, because it was exactly 3 years ago today you started to happen. And yes, I remember the exact date. Luckily, it was right before a holiday that you started seeping into my life so thanks for that 🤨.
It’s funny I used the word seep just now but that’s exactly what you did. At first it was like a tiny trickle telling me something was very wrong…but tiny trickles don’t cause much damage, do they? You know it’s there, but you also hope the damn thing just stops on it’s own. If you wouldn’t have become the deluge you did, things would have been a hell of a lot better, so thanks for that too 🙄. Gotta hand it to you…when you show yourself, you really go all out.
Look, I know a lot of things opened up that little crack that welcomed you in. I understand that. You were just seeing an opportunity, like breakdowns do…I mean, that’s sorta your ‘job’ if you will…and I was a great one to start working on.
I could go on and on about what led up to you, but that would literally take pages and pages and I’d prefer not to get carpal tunnel since I’m teaching online until January. I do know it started as a teenager though. Yes, I know that was eons ago (can we please not mention my age again…for piss sakes, we all know I’m a dinosaur 😐) but cracks were starting to appear already.
See…I knew I was different than other kids very young. I never really fit in, and when I did, I was just being what they wanted me to be. I think a lot of that was because I didn’t know who the fuck I was. (Sorry ma…I’ll try to make that the only one. But did you know that in Great Britain, that word is used as easily as we say crap? And you know what an Anglophile I am). As I started going through pubes, I could feel it getting worse and worse. So much was happening in my head, and I was scared. Very scared. I developed an eating disorder and ma got help for me. He turned out to be a sexually abusing asshole though, so I really wasn’t too keen on ever getting help again. I think that’s understandable, but I know I needed it.
Fast forward the next couple of decades, and I buried and buried what I was feeling and tried to deal with it the best I could. Sometimes I was successful, and sometimes I failed. At times I’d get so depressed that I couldn’t hide it, or I’d be so freaking high I’d bounce off the walls. At least I could direct that into work and activities…I’ll tell you what, my yard is always the prettiest on the block and my son says my house is slowing shrinking because of all the paint I slap on the walls.
So, 1 had 2 divorces under my belt (😐), and was going through another one. Yep…I loved my first 2 hubbies very much and those divorces were hellish at best. But with R, it was really tough because we both still loved each other. We used the same lawyer, faced the judge together, and hugged each other and cried the entire time when our divorce was being finalized. But we were living 2 different lives and that just doesn’t make for a good marriage.
I met a guy and we started to get involved after R and I separated. He took my breath away and he said I was his forever. I felt the same. But, he was mentally ill too. He has Borderline Personality Disorder that as you know, without help, can be extremely difficult to deal with. He also has PTSD from his 3 tours in the Middle East. I cut him a lot of slack for this…something so many people in my life didn’t understand.
Three years ago today, I found out he was making plans to be with his ex-girlfriend who was driving to see him, and as we spent time together, he got angrier and angrier with me. It hurt me so so much because I had been very good to him.
He’s a lot younger than me, and I was always very self-conscious about that. So, I had a face lift that June. Yep. It wasn’t because he asked me too and he even tried to talk me out of it. But I was starting to make very bad decisions and I went through with it. I think him being with his ex later freaked me out even more since I took such an extreme step to be ‘perfect’ for him. Yes, I know that was my issue, but it was hard to deal with.
Then my nephew died on the USS McCain. He was born 6 months after my son, and all of the kids in our 2 families grew up together since we lived within a mile radius of one another. My nephews and son always played ball on the same team in Little League together, went swimming at the same pool every summer, and we all were members of the same church. L was a sweet, playful, funny kid that was very much his own person. After my son’s dad and I divorced, I never stopped being a part of my niece and nephew’s lives. L took a few of my classes in college, and having him there always made me smile. In fact, his smile was truly infectious. He came to see me right before he left for sea, and we hugged and I cried. His brother took a pic of us and that was the pic he had on his badge that he wore everyday. Losing him was the hardest loss I’ve ever faced. He was still a kid, and there’s no justification for it like you often hear with older people; it wasn’t a blessing and it wasn’t God’s will. It was stupid, horrible actions of the ones in charge. Period. It didn’t have to happen and that makes the pain even worse.
A student started bothering me exactly around this time too. I was told to befriend him outside of class because his disruptions were too much to handle in the classroom, and I did. We talked and joked around and developed a friendship (we are the same age), but never saw each other out of school or even spoke on the phone. All of our interaction was online. One night, he got drunk and sent me texts telling me he wanted to rape me, kill me, and make me into a lampshade. I obviously sought help for this at work but was told it was my fault and had a letter placed in my file. I actually could have lost my job which would have killed me. Being a prof means everything to me and I am so invested in my institution and my sweetie students.
So, all of this led to the dam gates opening and you rushing right in. It seemed so fast. It was like you wrapped your hands around my throat, stifled my ability to breathe (I’m actually having trouble right now just writing this…another reason I need to purge you) and then shoved me down a black hole I couldn’t see out of. You know, I believe in God, in heaven, and in hell. I know hell is the worse possible place imaginable and outside our human realm of thinking, but I had a little taste of it through you (once again, thanks asshole).
You made it so I could hardly talk…it took too much out of me and I couldn’t expend the effort. I couldn’t go 10 minutes without crying. I had so much trouble eating. Sleeping. It was like I was in a trance. I was a zombie. I couldn’t do anything. I sat. I ate. I laid down. Day after day. You had gotten rid of ‘me’ and put this shell in it’s place.
So, I started seeing a counselor and my doctor who I’ve known for 20 years. They saw me more than once a week, and I was in constant touch with both of them because they demanded I be. As much as they helped me, I lied to them about the seriousness of some of what I was doing (I still can’t see my doc without bawling because I remember how much he did for me and how so supportive he was…he spent hours with me most weeks). I didn’t want them to know you showed me that razor blade, and when you did, I didn’t know what I would do with it when I took it from your hand anyway. But then one night I pressed it against my skin and cut. It hurt like fuck (my bad, ma) but it was something to concentrate on besides you. The pain in my leg was much easier to deal with than you were. My 12 scars are hard to look at but at the time, it seemed right. That’s how much power you had over me.
I guess that wasn’t enough for you though, so you showed me that bottle of pills I had in my cabinet. Look, you knew I didn’t want to leave my son and my ma and my family and students and the world itself, so why did you make my pain so bad that I couldn’t find any other way out? That was when God took over. He got me up off my bed and I threw up what you had given me. I don’t care what unbelievers say…I know it was God, because it certainly wasn’t me.
That’s when I finally saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with bipolar. After hearing my history, doc said I am one of the few cases that show itself before adolescence. When I do something, I do it well…huh? I got on meds, sought more help, and slowly climbed out of the black hole you were trying so hard to keep me in.
And it’s over. It’s finally over. You’re gone. And as much as you might hate to hear it, I won. I fucking won. Look, I’ve run marathons, did a triathalon, and have really pushed myself physically at times, but those were cakewalks compared to you. Yet I beat you…I sorta feel like Rocky.
I slowly got strong again, and after a long while I started running because I could finally breathe and leave the house with getting panicky. I can’t tell you how good it felt to lace up my sneakers again. I was so proud when I did a couple of miles; for someone who used to run 40 miles a week, that doesn’t sound like much, but for me it was huge. I started doing yoga, and you should see my arms…they freaking rock. I started doing my art and crafts again, read books I hadn’t been able to concentrate on for so long, reconnected with neighbors who I hadn’t see for months and months, started posting on social media again and basically just started living my life without you.
Look, I know you’re out there. And I know you can come back at anytime. That used to scare the shit out of me, but here’s the thing. I’ve beaten you once, and if you ever show yourself again, I’ll kick your ass one more time. You don’t scare me anymore and I’m not going to live in dread thinking you’ll return. I’m too busy being happy, content, proud and healed.
You’re gone. You lost. You put up a hell of a fight for me, but I won. I WON. Me. So there.