So, out of all of the posts I’ve blogged about, my ‘Sexy is as Sexy Does’ post has generated the most feedback from you, peeps. And I love it!
One of my sweetie-pie past students (and an awesome one at that) wrote to me just this morning about her own experiences:
I’ve recently started dating again (ugh) and it’s like a whole different world from when I was younger. Back in high school/college, if your “number” was more then a couple you were a slut, but now I’m even getting pressure from family members to “put out” so I can “get me a man”. It’s so frustrating!! Sex is a big deal to me, and it deepens any feelings I had. I went on a date recently where I mentioned very explicitly before the FIRST date that I would not be having sex until I was in a relationship and felt ready, and the guy still pushed and pushed for sex, then when I said no he said it wasn’t working out and we should see other people. The first date!!! The saddest part is that’s the norm now these days!! Several guys I’ve went out with have tried to “take me home” when I’m very clear about what I don’t want to do. Then I never hear from them again. I’ve literally had family members just tell me to put out if it’ll get me a second date!! What the heck!?!? I’ve almost given up on dating again because at this point no matter how clear I am about not wanting to have sex until I’m ready, none of the guys seem to care…ugh.
So, my educated, funny, kind and beautiful student is being pressured on FIRST dates to have sex…and then when she doesn’t, she’s either dropped or threatened by them in terms of having other women. Are you fucking kidding me? There’s now the expectation that a first date will culminate in sex or ‘buh bye?’ How…and when…did sex become so casual? So much like playing a game or watching a movie? So much like…well…nothing special? Are we really at the point in our culture that having sex (for so many) has become just another ‘thing’ to do?
In my Human Sexuality classes we watch the film “Liberated: The New Sexual Revolution” (Netflix – 2017) which documents the exploits of college students on spring break in Panama City. Here’s what one guy says in the film:
“What we’ve seen on television and everything anymore, sex is nothing anymore. Sex doesn’t mean anything. Sex is just a pleasure.”
Wow. Then there’s this conversation on the beach:
“There’s a lot of naked people and a lot of alcohol, and it’s fucking great. There’s a lot of hooking up, wet t-shirt contests. People come to Panama City to basically get fucked up and fuck bitches, that’s it. We’re trying to get laid. You can honestly do whatever you want.” (In the background, guys are shouting ‘show your tits’ and ‘assume the position, girls!’)
Well…there you have it…out of the mouth of babes. Go back and read that again, grasshoppers: ‘fuck bitches’, ‘show your tits’ and ‘assume the position’? Really? And there are still people out there who say women aren’t being seen as sex objects. Okey Dokey. Live in your bubble, folks. (By the way, some of the men and women in the film talk about how horrible it is to have to live up to these demands…it’s so sad how much this pressure is shaping their lives). 😢
So what does this do to young women? Everyone wants to be accepted and have attention paid to them, but girls have learned, unfortunately, this will happen much more often if they buy in to the idea that “I have to be a sex object to be ‘seen’.” So, they show off their boobs, wear shorts that don’t cover their butts, and ‘put out’ in order to not be ignored or called names. They aren’t making the ‘choice’ to be sexy (even though they might say they are), they are simply following what is needed to be ‘in.’
C’mon. Look at female celebrities today. Kim Kardashian (ugh… 😖) began her fame because of a sex tape. A sex tape. She did nothing but have sex in front of a camera to become one of the most well known celebrities in our country. (And yes, I know she’s training to be a lawyer, but until she wears clothes other than those that basically cling to her as if she were naked, she’s not going to be taken seriously…at least not by this gal). There are other women who are almost more famous for their body parts than any talent they might have…people focus on Jennifer Lopez’s butt, Angelina’s lips, and Chrissy Teigen’s boobs. Then, take a look-see at celebrity outfits. I assume the game they are playing is: ‘How Much Skin and How Many Body Part Can I Show Without Going to Jail’. 🙄
What’s even scarier is how young girls are taught to be sexy! Did you know there are thongs made for girls? Thongs! What the hell? And their outfits are getting more and more daring. I have parents tell me they can’t find appropriate clothes for their girls because the selection isn’t there. Plus, make-up is used by girls who are in primary grades (in fact, it’s marketed to them)! Why? So they’ll look pretty…sexy…grown up. AAAAGGGGHHHH! What’s going on here, peeps?
Then, what about you guys? You need to dream about sex, have sex, talk about sex, and then repeat. Oh, and while you’re doing all of this, be sure not to show emotion, don’t get all ‘girly’ and talk about feelings, and always wear your poker face.
I firmly believe men are just as brainwashed as women. In fact, I think men are more oppressed than women because they can’t comfortably show their feelings…how horrible to have something inside of you that you have to push down time and time again. I can’t imagine not being allowed to be fully human in that regard.
Anyhoot, after my student and I chatted a bit more, she went on to say this:
It scares me so much for my niece…she’s 9 years old and told me the other day “I never have to be alone again, I’ve got a boyfriend.” She was so proud of the fact she’s never going to have to be independent…
OMG. Seriously? She’s 9 years old and already learned that she needs a ‘man’ to depend on? Just so she doesn’t have to do for herself? Just to make her feel ‘not alone’?
Think about the alone comment. How can a 9 year old feel alone? She’s 9! In a family…in school…in a neighborhood. Are we that disconnected in our society that partners fill the role? Are we all so ‘screened’ in by our devices that we crave an actual physical connection? Take a look see at this:
“The YouGov poll is the latest piece of research to show worryingly high levels of loneliness, particularly among younger generations.”
Cigna (insurance company) surveyed 20,000 adults and half reported feeling lonely sometimes or all the time…feeling alone and left out with young people being the most affected.
A survey of 55,000 by the BBC found “…levels of loneliness were highest among 16-24 year olds”
Is sex that answer for our younger generations? Is that the way they think they connect?
I don’t know the answer to any of this, grasshoppers. Our society is pushing the limits of sexiness in our culture, but we have yet to implement a national comprehensive sex education program. In other words, they’ll see sex on TV, online, in movies, etc., but, God forbid, not learn about it in school. And lots of research confirms that only a minority of parents talk to their kids about sexual issues including contraception and sexually transmitted diseases. The consequence of this? The United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate (even though it is declining) and highest teen STD rate among industrialized countries. Sigh.
I may not know what to do about these issues. But I do know this: We, as a society, have to understand that when we minimize the importance of sex and allow it to be seen so easily and often, we are heading down a path where nothing is going to mean anything anymore. We are taking one of the last things we have that can provide for couples an intimate bond that holds them together and strengthens the relationship they have. It used to be sacred. Private. Special. And now? Not so much. I don’t know about you, but that depresses me a lot.