So, it’s no secret that I’m not the greatest at relationships (shutty 🙄) and thought it might behoove me to take lessons so to speak. The experts I’ve decided to turn too, who I know will guide me through the perils of relationship dynamics and teach me lessons I’ll take with me for the rest of my life, are known around the world. Their platform? A very serious and insightful show called ’90 Day Fiance’. As I’ve been watching it these last 7 seasons (as well as all the seasons of their many spin-offs) I’ve gleaned knowledge that’s applicable to any future partnership I might have and I’m certain that the secret to relationship bliss is mine.
For example, did you know it’s not necessary to learn about a mate’s culture, even though they have a different religion, a different language (tip: learn at least a few words in their native tongue…just so you can…you know…communicate 🙄) are half-way around the world, and live in a way you have never experienced yourself? I’m mean hells bells, that’s just tiny stuff…right? So, when a woman who dresses like a stripper falls in love with a man who practices Islam, this will be super. When she visits or even moves to his country (which many of them do), he’ll want and expect her to wear the hijab per Muslim tradition, but why do that? It’s not fashionable and we definitely don’t see those on American catwalks, so obviously this doesn’t apply to these gals. They’ll go on wearing outfits with their boobs showing, sans nipple, and wonder why their man is angry and others in his family don’t accept them. Well…guess you can’t please everyone…huh?
And food? Don’t try to learn about a cultures food before visiting or moving to the country your sweetie resides in. Why would you do that? Just traipse over there, and then when the very poor family sacrifices a goat for you (which is an extremely gracious gesture), don’t eat any. After all, you prefer steak. When a future ma-in-law makes you a beautiful dinner she spent hours on, be sure to make faces, spit food out in your napkin, and stage whisper to the lucky sap who’s going to marry you that you’ll puke if you actually swallow a bite. That way, the ma gets a very good impression of you as a independent thinker with distinct tastes. 🙄
Did you know that houses in the poorest of our world’s nations aren’t built of wood, brick and siding? Some are little more than huts with no air-conditioning, no running water, no bathroom, no electricity. Yes, it’s uncomfortable for the 3 days you’ll be staying there on your visit (God forbid you actually move there, it would just be ‘too much’ for you to ever get used too), even though the ‘love of your life’ has lived in these circumstances all their lives. And if they take you to a local hotel for some, ahem, private time? Be sure to bitch and complain, because I’m here to tell ya, they aren’t the Hilton. If there are lots of bugs or animals roaming the street or stores that are carts with torn awnings, it’s always a good idea to make fun of these things or complain bitterly. Nothing brings a couple closer together than a great deal of mocking. (Also, did you know that countries on the equator are hot? Apparently, not a lot of people realize this so don’t realize they might sweat a bit on their visit).
Here’s something I truly didn’t know but is quite exciting if I ever marry a 20 year old: even though I’m 53 (blech), I can still have a baby! YEA! Actually, I would sorta ‘have too’ since my future hubby is expected to have an heir and is wanting his own shot at raising a brood (even though I have a kid older than him 😳). Now, it doesn’t matter that I’ve gone through menopause (which at 53, one would assume I have) or that my eggs are as old as dirt (if I even have any of the little boogers left), I can still get an egg from someone else…preferably in my immediate family so the baby will be my blood…and then have that little nugget inserted into my nice, healthy, still like 18 pink uterus I presumably have. Well for piss sakes…this is an epiphany for me! Here I’ve been wanting a grandbaby, but instead I’ll just have a little cutie myself. As Angela (who is my age and whose YOUNG hubby wants a little guy running around that’s his own) says to her daughter: “I can tote it, I just need your egg.” (Starts picking out names, ma!). Nuff said on that one.
And age doesn’t matter! Whoo Hoo (let’s face it…a LOT of guys from my generation are pretty much set in their ways and aren’t quite as exciting as a 25 year old)! OK…some of you may not know this, but J was significantly younger than me. No, I’m not going to tell you by how many years, my sweet and nosy peeps. Suffice it to say we got a lot of looks, and yes, I was often self-conscious about it! I was the wrinkly elder with this younger guy on my arm (for balance since I’m so old I could fall and easily break a hip) and folks would stare. Like I’ve said before, aging is a sin in our country and many of you younger people are apparently going to figure out a way to dodge it (but still be alive)…best wishes to ya. Anyhoot, a 65 year old and a 30 year old are actually fine and dandy (no peeps, J was not that much younger 🤨). And just because my new man will have to wash my hair for me and help me up out of a chair doesn’t mean things won’t work out in the long run. He’ll love doing that and more when he’s 40 and I’m 75. And families love these age differences too. In fact, I’d love for O to marry someone older than me. We could be besties and eventually room together in the old age home. That way, O would only have to make one trip to see us both.
Were you also aware that lying doesn’t matter? No wonder I’m thrice divorced, I didn’t lie enough. Well spank me hard…I know what to do next time now, don’t I? Seeing pics of a body builder from Great Britain who actually speaks with a Nigerian accent when you chat and doesn’t know where London is on a map does NOT mean you are getting catfished. And if you are? Well, they must have a good reason and actually be an ok guy to hook up with anyway. If you’re already married and wait until you’re engaged to your new baby to tell them, whatever. It’s just a teeny little detail you forgot to mention. If you’re moving halfway across the world and your darling hasn’t shared with you the fact they are broke and don’t have a job…no problemo. Just live on love. And the best kind of lie? If you say you’re 40 and use a filter during chats and while sending pics that make you look 20…it’s ok. Your beloved will be so happy at your 55 year old self complete with lines, sags, spots, etc. It’s just a cool surprise.
Now, not every one of these relationships work out (why, I have no idea). So, if that happens here’s a sure fire way to feel better: get some plastic surgery like HUGE lips…butt fillers…DD boobs…liposuction. It’s because of YOUR bod things didn’t work out, so the more fake you look, the more you’ll be loved. Who woulda thunk that? No wonder I’ve been divorced…I’ve still got my original breasts. 🤨 Another idea if things don’t go perfectly with this soulmate of yours? Just get your newly rounded butt back online and try again. It’s really as easy as that.
This next one is a shocker to me. Truly. SOME people are out there to take advantage of you. To use your for a green card. To get to America the only way possible for them. I know…I know…that would never happen to any one of US. That only happens to people who aren’t truly in love. So, when your parents, friends, colleagues and neighbors pull you aside and say they think the behavior of your intended is pretty bad and they don’t seem to love you (look, they only go out by themselves to a bar a few nights a week…we all need our space 🙄) tell them they’re crazy. In fact, the longer you’ve known this friend, the angrier you should become. People in love always know what’s best…they are always the most rational and most objective. Look, if I want your advice that could save me from getting into a marriage that’s going to last 6 months and then bankrupt me after, I’ll ask. Got it?
And this brings me to the last lesson I’ve gleaned thus far, and that’s about what love really is. True love comes from texting and face-timing with no physical interaction what so ever. It comes from jumping into bed the minute you land in their country, and then pointing out all that’s wrong with the area while praising your own fatherland. The love is seen in little spats that end up with a drink being thrown in a face…smashing a cake over a head…or storming out of a restaurant screaming the entire way. And the little sweet names you have for one another (and did you know that nicknames are truly good for a relationship)? Here are some ideas from the show: bitch, cow, douche, jerk, asshole, idiot and f##ker (you’re welcome, ma). Those are sure to help your love bloom even more.
So thank you, 90 Day Fiance. I now know what I’ve been doing wrong in finding a soulmate and I’m going to remedy it now. I’m staring my search for a 22 year old guy from a very poor country (whose language I can’t speak), who sends me pics in which he looks different in every single one in terms of his hair and eye color, body shape, & height, who wants at least a half dozen little ones running around soon, whose parents are horrified I’m of a different religion, and who I’ve caught lying (but hey, none of us are perfect). When I find this gem, I’ll let y’all know right away. I promise.