So, I actually wrote another post for today, and was getting ready to edit it, when something inside of me needed to write this. Having this blog has given me an outlet for so much of what I feel. It really helps me to get my thoughts, feelings, struggles, ideas written down and out of my head. And to have you, my sweet grasshoppers, read it, is just icing on the cake. (Hmmm…cake. Maybe I should send my son to Kroger to get one…).
I started seeing a guy not long ago. I’ve known him for over 20 years, and he’s one of those friends that you can go a while without seeing, but then when you do, it’s like no time has passed. It’s just always comfortable. We were on the same dating site (something I will never ever do again) and so I saw that he was wanting a relationship. He asked me to dinner a while back, and I cancelled on him. I didn’t know if I was ready to go out with anyone, and I didn’t want to send the wrong message.
Not long ago though I saw him, and after a friendly hug, I decided to ask him out. He’s a really kind man and I was compelled to see where this could go. I’m a very very firm believer that the best relationships begin as friendships. You won’t always have the passion and you won’t always feel a lot of love for the person during difficult times. But, if a friendship is the foundation of the relationship, you have a strong base to keep you together.
So, we went out a couple of times. I loved it. I felt so comfortable and we talked about everything out there; and because I’d known him for so long, we shared so much about our lives and ourselves right off the bat. We cuddled, held hands, smooched but that’s all. I wanted to take it slow.
After those first 2 dates, I didn’t hear from him much and finally I asked him if everything was OK. He told me he had never wanted a romantic relationship in the first place (ummm…you were on a dating site…see the irony?), and said he had told me that during our first date together. I don’t remember him doing that. I was too busy admiring the flowers he got me and the dinner he had prepared. Hmmm.
I started crying after receiving that text. To be brutally honest with you, I thought he had really wanted to go out with ME. That he was the one that was really excited about it. That he saw me as a catch. In fact, my little brain thought he had had a crush on me for a while. Obviously, I was deluded! (Not the first time that’s happened…’nuff said.).
I called my mama and she was really taken aback by my reaction. She said: “You weren’t in love with him. Why are you taking this so hard?” I think I have an answer to that: because it’s another rejection. Another person saying, “You aren’t good enough.” Another man turning down all I have to offer.
Maybe that’s the problem though. All I offer. Because I offer a hell of a lot. Not only because I’m such a feeler and giver (on our first date, I made a bracelet for his daughter and baby quilt for his new granddaughter), but because I can’t hide who I am. I can be a bit mouthy, a bit excitable, a bit…well, too ‘much’. But how can I not be who I am? It’s like when I was a kid and a teacher or my parents would tell me to calm down. I couldn’t! Literally couldn’t! Just like now, it was simply a part of who I am (bipolar) and there’s no switch to turn it off. I wish with all my might there was.
Now, I have a confession to make. It’s a toughie, but I need to say it. I asked my ex, J, if he would like to try our relationship again, with counseling to help us deal with our issues and understand how to manage each others mental illnesses. Listen to what I’m saying grasshoppers…I asked HIM to try again. I’m gonna say it again: I asked HIM…the guy who cheated on me (with someone that works at my vets…guess I’m gonna get a new one now since I’m sure everyone knows the drama). And his answer? To me asking HIM…giving him a chance…telling him we can get help? It was no. In fact, it took him a while to say that…I guess it’s quite the ordeal to tell me that I’m not wanted.
Another confession. I’ve never broken up with a guy before (including my hubbies). They have always dumped me. Rejected me. Damn.
Look, I know I’m different. I’ve known that since I was a very little girl. I know my mental illness was showing itself in childhood…we have proof of my depression and mania. Actually, now that I think about it, this guy didn’t lie to me about not wanting a romantic relationship until after I encouraged him to read this blog. After 20 years of friendship, I thought it would be OK. Hmmm.
I know I’m not a bad person. At least I don’t think so. I think I have a lot of really positive qualities. I’m smart. I’m extremely loving. I’m loyal as hell. I’m forgiving. I can make a mean ass pot of chicken and noodles, and my bathroom is always clean.
For fucks sake (I had to get that word in for ma and sis), I know this rejection shouldn’t hurt so much. Shouldn’t make me question myself so much. Shouldn’t make me cry and wonder if I’ll ever find a partner again. I know I’m OK alone. But I don’t want to just be OK. I want someone to love me back. I need that connection. That partnership. That feeling of belongingness that is inherent to us all. And I’m not gonna lie: celibacy sucks.
So listen up, God. I’m 53 years old (I know you know that but I just wanted to emphasize it) and I am ready for my forever. If you want to send them along, I’ll toddle over and meet them halfway. I promise.