So, the other day I was reading some social media posts where people were talking about their ‘pet peeves.’ It was a bit irritating because they were getting pissed off by about everything, but then I started to think of my own pet peeves. I was assuming (a pet peeve…you should never ‘assume’ 🙄) that I might only have a couple since I’m such a empathic, patient, wonderful person, but to be honest, my list is fairly long.
OK…men in flip-flops? For the love of all that is holy, this should be banned. Yes…banned. C’mon. First of all, ‘flip-flops’ are NOT sandals you can justify wearing. They are a piece of foam with a plastic toe piece so you can literally see the entire foot. I know some women have ugly feet…I mean, they’re freaking feet (side note: I’ve been told I could be a foot model…just sayin’), but usually women take better care of the looks of their toes and heels. Men? Guys, I love y’all, but I’ve never ever ever seen nice looking toes on a guy. They are long and hairy and toe-naily and crooked and because of all of this, I just assume they are really stinky. And heels? Just as bad…scaly and callousy and sheddy. Blech! Now, men get very defensive about their feet. Once I told Hubby 2 his feet weren’t attractive and for the sake of my sanity to please please please wear a pair of socks and throw the sandals in the bin. I was very compassionate and tactful when I said this to him…I think my exact words were: “B, your feet make me want to puke and if you don’t start wearing socks everytime I see you, I’ll probably end up barfing on you.” Obviously, he doesn’t take criticism well because he yelled at me about how much his mother loved his feet (🙄) and since I wasn’t a podiatrist, I should just shutty the mouthy. I did.
I absolutely hate (ok…too strong of a word…let’s say ‘dislike’ but you’ll know what I mean) ‘close talkers’. It’s true that I’m a very huggy/feely person, but I still like some space in conversation. I have a bubble. It’s not huge, but it’s there. If I can see your spittle hitting my glasses like drizzle on my windshield, you’re too close. If I can see how many cavities have been filled, you’re too close. For piss sakes, if I can tell by your breath what you’ve eaten for your last 3 meals, you’re too close. And here’s a hint: if I start to back up to regain my bubble, I’m trying to tell you something. Please don’t back up with me until I’m trapped in a corner and get a panicky look on my face. The outcome may not be a good one. 😳
UUUUUGGGGGHHHHH…when people are wearing winter boots in the summer or those dreaded ‘flip-flops’ and drag their feet? I literally want to meander up to them and say, “Please don’t drag your feet. It’s getting on my nerves.” I have yet to do that…but it’s a wish of mine. Same with open mouth chewers. Seeing your food being masticated while I’m trying to eat mine is not appetizing. Hells bells, if it’s my cooking, it’s bad enough anyway. Another side note: Hubby 3 used to call my meatloaf a ‘meatlump.’ Look, my Little Dottie eats her own poop…often…and would NOT eat my meatlump. She’d sniff it, walk away, and look traumatized. And yes, I kept trying to make a good one until Hubby 3 left and I got the point.
There are some phrases that drive me batty too (the other day ma and I were driving to a cookout and I said something along the lines of ‘call me crazy’ and we started cracking up…maybe you had to be there). Anyhoot, here are some of the biggies for me:
- “I shouldn’t tell you this but…” – OK, then don’t. I actually say that to people, but they’ll go on talking. I’ll hold up my hand and say STOP, and they they’ll get all pissy about not being able to tell me something they shouldn’t be telling me in the first place. C’mon my sweet peeps…explain to me how that makes sense.
- “No offense.” – If you have to say this, you know damn good and well you have offended me, asshole. “Hey, you’re ugly and stupid and smell bad. But no offense.” Right. That’s makes what you said sooooooooo much better. Right? 🤨
- “OMG! I know exactly what you mean!” – First, no you don’t because you interrupted me in the middle of my sentence (Hubby 3 likes to say “Sorry the middle of my sentence interrupted the beginning of yours’…love it!) and second, I don’t what the crap I actually mean, so how in the hell can you? This person is usually a one-upper as well. You know the type…you say you’re preggie with twins, and they’re carrying quads. You say you ran a marathon…they say they ran a 50 mile race, and won. You say you have bipolar (just pulled that one out of my ass) and they have 12 different diagnoses that are much much worse than ‘just’ bipolar. Okey dokey.
- “Hey…is that you, Kristi?” – What’s wrong with this you ask? It’s being said when I’m in a bathroom stall. Look, pretty icky things might be going on in there and concentration might be of upmost importance. Talking to you…through a door…while trying to be discreet with ‘sounds’ is making me ‘tighten up’ and prolong the inevitable. Sigh.
- “Wow…you look great…much better than the last time I saw you!” – Well fuck me (sorry ma…I just had too). Was I that bad looking a week ago? Nice to know. 🙄
- “Dmoahto aerhkje hdhf nea nofhea.” – Don’t know what that means? Of course not, because that, grasshoppers, is a mumble (I love that word…mumble…another one I love is ‘damp’. My most hated word? Moist. Ick.). Then, when you say, “Can you please repeat that?” the person gets all huffy like you’re supposed to be able to decipher a 5 decibel sound. Heh? Speak up, dude.
When you’re a young parent, you get so much advice it’s crazy. Here’s my advice: don’t take it. And, particularly don’t take it from a non-freaking-parent. “If that was my kid, I’d blah blah blah.” First off, it ain’t your kid, and second you’ve told me you hate kids and will never ever be a parent so I really don’t think you’re advice is coming from a solid place.
Those of you who teach will definitely understand this one: loud yawing! I had a kid a couple semesters ago that I adored! However, he would yawn LOUDLY in my class a few times a day. He’d say he was tired from work when he’d come into my classroom, but his LOUD yawns made me feel boring (hmmmmm…). Students: please don’t do this…your poor professor’s self-esteem is at stake. 😐
Isn’t it annoying when you say you love something and someone pipes up with how much they hate it? “I love running!” “Oh yeah.? I hate it.” Or… “I just love spring!” “Oh yeah? My allergies suck.” Or… “Isn’t this delish? “That looks gross…how can you eat that?” Get my point? I think there’s a name for this: Debbie Downer.
OMG. I’m looking at this list and assume (once again) that you’re probably thinking this: “My pet peeve is someone who has a lot of pet peeves”, and I have to agree. But, since I’m always honest with y’all, I’m not hesitant to admit I do tons of things that are probably huge pet peeves of others: I fidget all the time…am moody and sensitive about everything (big shocker there)…put chapstick on continuously (cherry only)…talk baby talk to Edward and Little Dottie (I actually have a song I sing to them every time they need to go out and pottie)…yak with my mouthful at times since I can’t wait to jump in and say my piece (I know, I know, this completely contradicts the whole “chewing with the mouth open” peeve I have. Hey, I never said I was perfect 🙄)…having to pee in the middle of any and every activity (I had a BIG baby and I’m old)…emote where ever I am (can be pretty embarrassing for a shopping partner if I start bawling in Wal-Mart while looking at toothpaste)…talk loudly (I’m used to lecturing and having to project my voice…I have totally forgotten what an inside voice actually is because my inside voice has been conditioned to be booming)…being too sarcastic and pissing people off…using way too many emoticons (one you’ve probably never noticed yourselves 😬) and I’m sure my family could add other countless behaviors to this list (and happily so). 😜
Anyhoot…we all have pet peeves. We all peeve others off. All I know is this: my pet peeves are better than your pet peeves. Just sayin’! 🙃