So, I wanted to address an issue with my sweet peeps and decided to write y’all a letter…here goes:
I wrote a blog post to day about ‘Pet Peeves’ which some of you liked and others didn’t. After I received a comment that made me cry, I thought about deleting the post altogether. The comment basically said I was calling people out on things that may not be their fault and I needed to do something else with my life besides worry about others.
I actually meant for that particular post to be sarcastic but I don’t think it was taken that way by everyone. Sometimes my sense of humor is just ‘off’.’ Go figure.
You know, I’ve written about some really deep things in this blog. I’ve shared all of my many struggles being bipolar and how that affects my life. I’ve written about the self-mutilation I’ve done to myself and how I attempted suicide 3 years ago. I’ve shared the sexual abuse I endured when I was a teen. I’ve talked about the divorces I’ve had and how devastating they all were. I’ve talked about ma’s experience with domestic violence by her 2nd husband (that fucker…sorry ma, but I always have to say that) that lasted 28 years and I got to live with for 6. I’m very upfront talking about my meds and how much I need them to be stable. I pretty much share everything with you…the bad and the good.
I’ve opened up to you because, well, I need too. Being able to write out these issues is a way for me to understand them better while also being a cathartic experience. It also, I hope, shows others that having a mental illness isn’t something to be ashamed or needs to be hidden away. I’m trying to break the stigma of mental illness and show others that we aren’t violent or totally unstable or ‘crazy’ or someone to be avoided. I’m Kristi who has a mental illness. It’s OK to voice that.
Anyhoot, talking about these tough issues is hard on me sometimes and maybe more so since I also have to teach about them in my classes every semester as well. Teaching psychology and sociology forces me to address the topics of domestic violence, substance abuse, divorce, incest, rape, crime, mental illness and the list goes on and on.
You know, having bipolar is a tough thing. I have good days and I have bad days. I have really good days and I have really bad days. I never know, week to week, what to expect with my mood. Bipolar is like the Captain of my ship who I always try to stage a mutiny against. Sometimes I take over and sometimes I don’t. Right now, I’m struggling a bit. Getting 7 classes online for Fall semester is overwhelming and knowing I won’t be interacting with my sweetie students face to face is horrible. I love them all so much and it’s like being taken away from my family in so many ways.
I’m also dealing with some loneliness. I’ve said before that I like living alone and how much I’ve gotten to learn about myself because of it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely. When the Covid quarantine was at it’s peak, people would tell me how their partner or spouse was getting on their nerves. But for me, there were so many times during it I wanted someone here. Someone to hug and cuddle and tell me things were going to be ok. I’ll make something I think is cool and wish I had someone here who would admire it (or tell me honestly that it’s ass-ugly). At night I’ll watch a movie and wish someone was here with me to laugh or cry while we shove popcorn in our faces.
I’m still coming to terms with my last relationship. It’s been 8 months since I’ve seen him and I continue to think about him, and his precious kids, every single day. I miss the kids so much and if I’m being honest, I miss him too. That’s tough to come to terms with considering how our relationship ended. It might not make sense to others that I still grieve a bit for him…but tell that to my heart. I truly thought he was my soulmate.
Because of all of this, I need to lighten up sometimes. I just do. I have to write happy or funny or sarcastic because I need the break from the heavy stuff. Anyhoot, I’m sorry if I ever offend you with my posts. I write them for me and share them with anyone who wants to see them. I take all feedback seriously and I hope that you sweet peeps understand that the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt anyone. Especially you.