mental illness – Page 4 – It’s All in Your Head

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So, I loved watching the “Dirty John” series about John Meehan and couldn’t wait for the 2nd season since I followed the Betty Broderick case closely. If my sweet peeps don’t know, Betty was married to Dan for 21 years and ended up killing him in 1989 along with his new wife of 7 months, Linda. Well, I’ve watched all 8 episodes now and all I can say is “WOW”…what a roller coaster.

Anyhoot, here’s the thing: when I first heard about this case I had just graduated from college and was fascinated by it and how ‘nutsy’ this woman was since I had a freshly printed psychology degree. I mean for piss sakes, she murdered her ex-husband and his new wife in cold blood. It don’t get much worse than that, peeps. 🙄

People are now pontificating about the case again since this series is airing and I’m really starting to think that Betty wasn’t necessarily the ‘sick’ one in the marriage. I believe Dan Broderick was. “What?” you say…”Are you crazy, Kristi?” Well yes, I sorta am. However, bear with me and let me explain.

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So, Betty and Dan got married in their 20’s after she graduated from college through an accelerated program and Dan was still making his way through medical school which she helped finance. Once he graduated with his M.D. though, he realized he didn’t want to be a doctor after all and decided he decided he wanted to be a lawyer instead. Betty continued to work hard to put him through law school too (his contribution was school loans…she did the vast majority of the earning). During this time, she was a stay-at-home mom to her 4 kids who came quickly (the children came quickly after the Broderick’s got married and another son died 2 days after birth) as well as working part time at various jobs like selling Tupperware and AVON. Since Dan was studying all of these years, Betty was the primary parent with little help and since he had very clear notions about a ‘woman’s place’, Betty did virtually everything on the home front.

Long story short, Dan became a hot shot lawyer (with Betty encouraging him the entire time and still taking care of everything at home) and he even served as president of the San Diego bar association. The money started coming in and Dan began to get more impatient and hateful with his wife. Finally, Betty found out he had been having a 2 year affair with his assistant, Linda, who Betty questioned him about numerous times. He lied every time she did and even ‘made up’ with Betty at one point and asked her for another baby so they could have a fresh start (her tubes were tied and he actually took her to a doc to see if this could be reversed). This was all to cover his affair while he sorted his finances out before leaving her. She had no idea.

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OK. We obviously know how this ended: Betty shot Dan and Linda while they were in bed. It was cold-blooded murder, and there’s no denying that. These poor children lost their dad and their mom in one fatal night and their lives were/are irreparably changed forever. They are the real victims in this case above anyone else.

So why did I say Betty was a victim too? Because in my opinion (and this is only my opinion, peeps) Dan was a sociopath and narcissist, and these are BAD things for the people who are unfortunate enough to love them.

We are just now finding out how abusive a narcissists behavior is to their ‘loved’ one and victims of this behavior suffer something called Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. Now remember, we’re talking about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and not just someone feeling over confident and cocky (😏). Take a look at this because it sums up a narcissists behavior perfectly:

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When you read about how Dan treated Betty, ALL of these apply. Every one of them. Further, Dan used a technique called gaslighting where the person manipulates someone in order to make them question their sanity…in one instance, Dan didn’t tell Betty about a change in time for their final divorce hearing and she completely missed it. Her divorce was granted without her ever knowing what the final decree presented in court was. Another…Dan was buddies with lawyers and judges and he made it very difficult for her to retain a decent lawyer to help her out. Not only did Dan make Betty think she was crazy, I believe he actually drove her crazy.

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And Betty did crazy things: she ran her car into the front door of Dan’s new house, she made hundreds of prank phone calls, she went into their house when they weren’t home and destroyed property, she said horribly vile things about him and Linda to anyone and everyone who would listen, and the list goes on. So yes…she was very out of control and her behavior was HORRIBLE, particularly since much of it was in front of her children. That’s something that’s indefensible.

But think about this: serious long time domestic violence can result in Battered Women’s (Wife or Person) Syndrome and this is considered a subcategory of PTSD. The violence doesn’t have to be physical, which is what we often picture when we hear the word ‘battered’ but psychological (or sexual) as well. When you look at the above actions of a narcissist and the behavior Dan displayed, I think it’s easy to say Betty was a psychologically battered woman. I would never ever say physical battering is less traumatizing than psychological abuse because I saw ma with too many injuries that not only pained her, but left her fearful and timid. However, psychological abuse is deemed just as bad since it batters the mind and kills the spirit.

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People who have been psychologically abused experience hopelessness, fear, shame, confusion. They have difficulty concentrating, experience nightmares and somatic symptoms, they’ll often have muscle tension, racing heartbeats, and moodiness. In time, the person can develop chronic pain (some research suggests this can lead to fibromyalgia), anxiety, and social withdrawal. We see all of these in Betty.

To me, it’s as if Dan wanted Betty to be ‘crazy’ so he could get the lion’s share of the wealth he built up which was only possible because of Betty’s financial/emotional/home support she provided as he got his education. He was also awarded custody of the kids she had raised virtually alone while he worked 12 days making money. Well, he succeeded, didn’t he? He wanted to drive her crazy and he did.

So why is she made out to be a villian? Other women have killed their abusive husbands and have been deemed heroes. They were in a fight for their lives and saved themselves. They saw no other way out. They needed to be freed from the torment.

BIFZYMU2NNULIXGGQCCXVJU6FA — Only a ‘crazy’ woman would smile at her murder trial. Right?

Isn’t psychological abuse torment too? What do they use on prisoners to break them? Hmmm. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Office of Women’s Health: emotional and verbal abuse can have short and long term effects that are just as serious as the effects of being physically battered. (This is even true for kids: the American Psychological Association has found that the mental health effects of a child being psychologically abused is equal to, or even greater, as those from physical or sexual abuse. And this is in kids!)

Here’s the problem though…how do you prove psychological abuse? How do you prove that the manipulation, degradation, verbal battering, lying, controlling, etc. are happening? You can’t take a pic of it and show it to the courts. You don’t have bruises or cuts or scars. It’s your mind, and since the damage has been done and the person is acting out because of it, they are the ones seen as being unstable. Sick. Wouldn’t this make you even more crazed?

Look, I know it was terribly wrong of Betty to murder Dan and Linda in cold blood. I get that. But I think it’s important to understand that even though Betty had a nice house, a bit of money, etc. it doesn’t mean she wasn’t psychologically tormented. It’s doesn’t mean she wasn’t treated so insanely that she started to become that way herself. And yes, Betty is a very unlikable woman now, although she was very gregarious, fun and social prior to Dan’s treatment of her. For Betty, the long-term effects of this abuse have taken their toll and in that way, Dan won. He got what he wanted. He wanted to drive his wife crazy, and apparently he did.

We simply can’t downplay the significance of psychological abuse any longer. You don’t need bodily injury to be hurt and the messages/actions/behavior of psychological battering never heal. How do you empty your mind of those words? Those feelings? Isn’t the mind capable of scarring too? Isn’t it important we recognize how dangerous this battering is and take it seriously when someone has gone, or is going, through it? This is a form of abuse that keeps on giving…long after the actual abuse has ended. How sad that is.

Kristi xoxo

So, I’ve been reading a lot about the stigma of mental illness, and the more I read and study, the more I’m shocked and disheartened by the attitude of people towards the likes of me: a mentally ill woman with Bipolar and Anorexia (in ‘remission’ but still something I have to fight daily in terms of making myself eat enough and stay healthy).

First, let’s talk about what stigmas are; if you look at the Oxford Dictionary for a definition, here’s what you find:

“A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.”

Take a close look at this sentence, Peeps. “A mark of DISGRACE.” Really? In this day and age, we are still considered ‘disgraceful?’ Or let’s use other synonyms to further understand this: shameful, despicable, bad. I should be ashamed to have a brain disease? It makes me despicable? It makes me bad? Wow.

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Prejudice is pre-JUDGING. PRE-judging. Putting people in groups based on certain characteristics then lumping them all together under an umbrella of adjectives. “The rich are all stingy.” “The poor don’t want to work.” “All teenagers all use drugs.” Nope. None of these are true. There might be some individuals that have these characteristics, but not all! Now, here’s the one we MI’s might hear: “The mentally ill are just crazy. They should be locked up!” “Those homeless guys make me nervous…you know they’re just nuts.” “I know that if someone is schizo, they’ll hurt you!” And on and on and on. Then, because of these prejudicial stereotypes, discrimination follows – these ideas are acted out by the people that have them, and suddenly, we’re treated differently.

I read an excellent article entitled: The Stigma of Mental Disorders by Wulf Rossler. In this, he states the following: “There is no country, society or culture where people with mental illness have the same societal value as people without a mental illness.” He also writes that people with mental illness internalize societal stigmas, and then experience diminished self-esteem and self-efficacy as a result. Non wonder so many of us feel bad about simply being who we are.

In another article entitled: Prejudice Towards People with Mental Illness, the authors say 4 factors have been identified that underlie prejudice towards people with mental illness (my explanations of these are in the parenthesis): fear/avoidance (people being scared of the MI and then staying away because they’re considered dangerous), malevolence (highly negative thoughts against the MI and thinking they are bad), authoritarianism (the MI should be controlled by society), and unpredictability (who knows what they’ll do?). So, in a nutshell: people fear us…try to avoid us…think we’re bad or inferior…think we need to be controlled…think our behavior is always unpredictable. Wow again.

walnuts — Photo by Dmitry Demidov on Pexels.com

So. I’m literally sitting here right now, trying to think of what to say, and I’m drawing a blank. Not writer’s block. But a blank of how us MI can been seen so freaking negatively for having disorders we can’t help. But then, I think about racism, and how skin color changes a person’s opportunities and treatment in our culture drastically. How our gender puts us in boxes with very clear expectations and assumptions. How our social class determines the way people see us, treat us, and either look up to us or down to us, just based on what we might have in our bank account. How can any of this be possible? How can anybody be judged by others who could be judged themselves. I just don’t get it.

baf0edcc65a2307861c274cc659b92ae--mental-illness-quotes-mental-health-stigma — What have YOU been told to do?

And yes, I’ve definitely felt the consequences of these stigmas. You know, in the 23 years I’ve taught at my school, I’ve only been asked to lunch twice. Twice. People get in groups and eat together all of the time, with me watching my colleagues in adjoining offices getting ready to go out while joking around. But I’m not asked. I think it’s because I can be loud…overly sensitive…overly eager. When a student threatened to rape me and turn me into a lamp shade (his words), I was blamed. After all, I’m the sicko. Right? The crazy and unpredictable one. So, of course MY bipolar had to be the reason for HIS threat. When I’m struggling with depression or having difficulty with suppressing my feelings, I’m simply ignored. It’s just too uncomfortable for others to be around or address. In fact, according to one colleague, mental illness isn’t real. They say: “Just cheer up! Damn, others have it a lot worse than you do.” Or here’s a good one that really makes me feel better: “What the fuck! Quit being so damn sensitive.” (I’ve heard that more times than I can count). Or how about this gem: “God, here goes Kristi AGAIN, just looking for more attention.” Or my truly favorite one: “What the fuck is the matter with you?”

It’s not my imagination; I know I’m treated differently than others since I’ve ‘come out’ and really started talking about my mental illness. I’m not taken as seriously. Sometimes I’ll be talking in a meeting at school, and someone talks over me and I just have to shut up and not contribute. Or, I’ll be in a bad depression but try to hide it from family members because I don’t want them to think I’m not trying to be ‘better’. In fact, I have family members that won’t even talk about it at all, while others have told me: “You’re going to beat this!” No, I’m not. I’m going to fight it, but I’m not going to beat it; this is who I am, and who I have been for as long as I can remember. {Shout out here to my mom, son and sister: they are awesomely supportive of me. My rocks.}

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I feel different than others. I see things differently. I think about things differently. But when I try to express that to people, I’m shut down. And to be a part of the conversation, I just have to nod and pretend that their ideas are mine too. Sometimes I think I should just build a bubble around myself to protect people from having to be around me. Uncomfortable around me. Wary around me.

But, there is a light. You know the friend I talked about in my last post? While we were talking about what having bipolar is like, I told him I did feel so different..so out of place…so at odds with others. And after thinking for a minute, here’s what he said: “Kristi, you are different. You light up a room when you walk in. Not many do that.”

You know, like Elton says in ‘Rocketman’: “I’m OK with different”. Maybe someday, we can all share that sentiment.

Kristi xoxo

Category: mental illness

Hell Hath no Fury Like a Woman Scorned

It’s in Their Head.