So, I’m changing the focus of this blog after thinking long and hard about it. You know, my sissy and I spent Sunday together (making macrame’ leaves…we can’t show them to you…they were pretty bad 🙄) and we did a meditation together and really talked about some things. She made a point I’ve really been thinking about and couple that with what I’m learning in my mindfulness/meditation class, I’m ready for a change.
First, T said: “Kristi, you over-analyze things too much.” And…drum roll please…I do! Part of that is being bipolar and having a ___ brain (I was going to say the f-word but restrained myself 😬) that fires differently…I ruminate, worry, go over things again and again in my head while beating myself up. I’m tired of that! Plus, I studied Psychology for years and have taught it for almost 30…analyzing is what we do! So together, I am either in the past, in the future, or trying to force everything to mean something. It’s too much. And, more importantly, there’s no longer a reason to do it.
In mindfulness, you live in the present…the here and now. I’m going to be 55 this week (holy shit that sounds old 😐) and don’t want to spend the next 55 years of my life not being aware of my time now. My pets and my students and my home and my friends and my family and my colleagues and my runs and my walks and my activities…the list goes on. I want to be in each of these moments as they are happening…because I’ve come to understand it’s that moment that really matters. Or almost all that matters!
When I started this blawg, I did it for a few reasons: I wanted to have a place to work out some things which writing helps me to do. I also wanted to show that those of us with mental illness have the same problems and love and work and family stuff that everyone else does. We aren’t weirdos or curiosities. We’re people struggling in life like everyone else with one added ‘thing’.
Finally, I started this right at the beginning of the pandemic when I was stuck at home with Ed and Dottie and going a little bonkers with all the quiet. This gave me something outside of school and I love it.
But, I’m putting a lot to bed today. Like, the past. I’ve made so many mistakes in my life and screwed up so many things…and continually beating myself up over them or thinking I can make things different by typing about them isn’t what I want to do anymore. The past…it’s over. I can celebrate the good from it…make peace with the bad…and work to be mindful of my life right now.
T and I talked about ‘putting it on a shelf’…you know, like you ‘shelve’ something to think about later. But what if you put something on the shelf and let it collect dust? Why would that matter? So, I actually got a shelf and have a jar and paper. When I get upset or need to vent or need to say something that no one else needs to hear, I’m writing it down and putting it on the shelf. Literally. This visual really helps me to understand that what’s behind me is ‘there’ but no longer affecting me like it has.
I’ve written a lot about the men that have been in my life and I haven’t always been kind and that’s not fair. I have never been in a committed relationship where I didn’t love the guy more than anything at that moment and all are special to me. I have had 3 marriages and 2 serious relationships that all have given me so much…my son, laughter, love, passion. Whatever problems we had, I was just as much to blame and probably even more so a lot of the time! I never want to leave the impression that I was the victim…because I wasn’t. And I apologize if things looked that way. I could fill up a fucking football field with little pieces of paper noting my mistakes and it wouldn’t be enough.
In my class this week, we learned that we need to view mistakes as part of our learning process and to see them as getting us closer to our goals. Further, our mistakes help us to make better choices and decisions next time (Shauna Shapiro”Good Morning, I Love You”). Isn’t that a neat way to look at them?
So, from this point on my blog is going to change a bit. I’m going to write about current issues, my life TODAY, things I’m doing in my classes, outings with ma and sis, etc. And I’m excited about it. 😃
I’m mostly delighted about this though: letting go of all of this is freeing. It truly is. Forgiving myself for all of my mistakes is also needed and I think I’m almost there. You know, it sounds so silly or cliche’ but meditating and relaxing and learning to be mindful are all making me see my life so much more clearly. That I need to embrace today. Love people today. Learn something today.
So, bye bye past. You are on a shelf and I might glance at you now and then but I won’t let you control my life. I’ve learned that I’m the driver of it and I can’t wait to see where it goes.
I love you, peeps…thanks for joining me on this ride. 😍😍😍
So, my sweetie students and I were discussing Fritz Perls today (father of Gestalt Therapy 😳) and it reminded me so much of what else I’ve been studying: mindfulness. The whole idea behind Gestalt (‘configuration’) psychology is to be more aware of yourself, to stay present, and to process things in the here and now. Further, it’s also based on the idea that our overall perception depends on the interaction between many factors, including our past experiences, current environment, thoughts, feelings, and needs. Whew. Nice lecture, huh?
Anyhoot, as we were talking about our perceptions of ourselves and how much it affects the ‘whole’ of our being, one of my students who knows me well said this to me: “Professor K, you are always so dismissive of yourself. You always put yourself down and act like less than who you really are.” Wow. This really hit me because I know what I think about myself on the inside, but had no idea that it was seeping into the outside as well. However, as I’ve been contemplating it (in the new meditation area I made in my house…complete with chakra stones and all!😲 ), I started to understand where this has come from and why it’s such a big part of the ‘whole’ that I am.
I’m talking about rejection. None of us likes rejection…right? However, some of us handle it better than others. My sissy is wonderful…truly! She is never scared to speak her mind is one of the most authentic people I know in my life. If someone doesn’t like her, she says: “Fuck them! What the hell does that mean in my life?” I love that and wish I was that strong! Instead I say: “Why the hell don’t you like me and how can I act so you will?”
You know, I’ve talked a lot on this blawg about wearing masks and taking off the mask that covered up my bipolar was so hard. Having to confront the part of me that has a mental illness was terrifying…both in terms of myself but also in terms of how others would see me. But that’s my big ‘mask’ accomplishment…that bipolar one. But what about the others?
As we all know, I’ve experienced rejection in my life, like so many of you have as well. Do I take it harder because my emotional make-up is screwed up by my bipolar brain? Am I just more sensitive? Hmmmmm.
I think this rejection started in grade school when both T and I were bullied…we both had buck teeth and mousy hair and didn’t have the coolest clothes. And this continued through high school with me. I had 2 bullies that were particularly brutal and as many secrets as I’ve shared with ma, sissy, partners, and friends, I’ve never ever told anyone what one of the bullies would call me. It still hurts that much after 35 (cough cough) years. 😔
Then we have my relationships. O’s dad was terrific and I thought our marriage was a good one and would last forever. After we divorced, I was convinced we would co-parent O and be friendly and cordial…hells bells, we’d known each other since the 3rd grade and that’s a lot of history. This didn’t happen though. In his family, after you get divorced, you get cut out of pics and the ex-spouse simply pretends like you never existed. Charming. 🙄
So, when we see each other at graduations, weddings, etc. he nods at me. Yes, I said NOD. I gave birth to his only child (who by the way is amazing beyond anything) and we were married for 13 years. And he nods at me. Hmmmm. That may be his families mode of operandi, but it sucks balls because it feels like such a rejection. Not even a ‘hello’? Jeez.
Fast forward to Hubby 3. I’ve been thinking a lot about him lately and I’ve always said how we were still besties and talked just about everyday. But I did something last week I didn’t think I’d ever do: I told him ‘goodbye’ and that I couldn’t be his friend anymore. He’s with another woman…the one who was in his life while we were still together. He says he loves me…wishes he’d never divorced me…that I made him happier than anyone…but he’s with her. Period. He made his choice and can’t have it both ways. The straw that broke my proverbial camel’s back was this: a couple of weeks ago, the ‘club’ went down to Daytona for a bike thing and he took her with them. They had a vacation while down there and he got in the ocean for the first time in his life…something I had always wanted to do with him. Throughout all of our marriage, I’d ask to go on these trips with him and he’d say no every time. But then he took her. And that opened my eyes to the fact he’s hanging on to something that’s no longer there and I don’t deserve, nor need to listen to the ‘fun’ he has with his (I want to put another word in here but I’m going to be nice 😐) girlfriend when he never did the same with me. I realized, like a curtain opening, that he doesn’t love me…he just wants me in the wings and I’m not going to do that anymore.
Then J came into my life and started cheating on me months into the relationship and continued throughout the entire 3 years we were together. If that’s not a rejection, I don’t know what is. Basically it said: “You aren’t enough for me. I don’t love you enough to be faithful. I love this woman more.” Yikes. How can you feel good about yourself in terms of how men see you when this is thrown at you again and again? Then when we ‘broke up’, he never spoke to me again…and still never has. Yes, I loved him for 3 years through some pretty bad crap not many women would have, adored and parented the heck out of his precious kids, and helped him go from a jobless vet living in his grandma’s basement to someone with his own home, money, etc. He always used to say I ‘saved him’ but he treated me like shit and then walked away without another word. Rejection to the max.
Finally, my last relationship. Yep…I thought this was it. We had so many great times and I traveled all the time to see him in another state and then had him live with me while he found a house here. He has a self-proclaimed ‘anger issue’ and when he lashed out at me a couple of times, I let it go. I wanted to make it work! Then we got Covid and Dottie died and I had 3 surgeries and he was moving and my mania was out of control due to meds and the list goes on. So, we get into an argument where he said some pretty nasty things…and I said something back that I know hurt him. He walked out and I’ve literally never seen him or talked to him again…even though he lives 1 door down from me! He completely ghosted me after knowing each other 35 years. Once again, rejection.
Being dismissed like this by these men has created a ‘habit’ of demeaning my own self…even though I really do love who I am. It’s almost like a knee-jerk reaction. I’ve been made to feel I’m expendable. Extraneous. So…bored with me? Have sex with other women. Tired of being with me? Move in with the (cough cough) woman (🤢) you were seeing before you walked out the door. Angry at me for losing my temper? Ghost me and never acknowledge I even existed in the first place.
Am I that easily forgotten? That easy to get over? That easy to pretend like ‘we’ never happened?
See, I don’t do that. It’s beyond me how B and I could have gone through the birth and raising of our son and spent 13 years of our lives together every day…often working side by side…and then nothing. I don’t understand how you can say you’re in love with someone while making plans to hook up with another woman at the same time. I don’t get how you say you are committed to a relationship, say some pretty terrible things, but when something is said back, it’s over. By the way, I’ve e-mailed this guy 2 times…I’m obviously blocked so I used another address. It was actually an apology about my role in the argument and I’ve never heard a thing back. It hurts but as T says, ‘fuck him!’ She’s the best!
I don’t know why I still find the need to do this, but I depend on others for much of my validation. See, I feel really good about me in terms of me. But in terms of men and relationships, I’m starting to think I’m one of these women who will be used and thrown away. It makes me wonder if any of these men ‘really’ loved me. Their words said they did…but their actions? Nope.
So back to my student: I need to quit being so dismissive of myself. Quit thinking I am ‘rubble’ that can be tossed away. That I’m not worth working for…trying for…apologizing too…or even talking too. Is it a game guys play? Hmmm. I don’t think so. I know my son doesn’t do this…I know my dad didn’t do this with ma…I know sissy’s hubby is there through good and bad. So is it me? How can I not think that? But even more frustrating, why am I convinced it’s all about ‘me’ and my short-comings? Why can’t I see outside of myself at their short-comings too?
I always call ma on my way home from school and we were talking about this. She said: “Kristi, this is their lack. Not yours. You wouldn’t do this to someone…but they would. That shows you who they are.”
And she’s right. I’ve had a couple of relationships that I ended and we’re friends. I would never ghost somebody. Ignore them. Act like they never existed. It’s cruel and simply not in me to do.
Here’s what I told ma today as we were finishing up our daily cluck fest: “You know, I don’t think I want someone else in my life. It’s too hard knowing that what they say and what they might do may not match up. It’s just too damn hard to take that risk again.” And I meant it. But that’s sad to me. To think that these men just didn’t take away themselves but took something inside of me too. The openness to believe in people and the ability to trust them when they say forever. They’ve taken away my ability to look at myself and not be so judgemental…so brutal about ‘what could I have done different?’…so willing to think it’s all me. Thanks, guys. 🙄
You know, it makes me sad to think I might be alone for the rest of my life…but you know what? It makes me even more sad to know how people can deceive you and lie to you and hurt you…and they don’t really care.
So, I love Jim Henson and always have. He was such a creative genius and I truly believe the world is a better place because of him; I came across this quote the other day and wanted to take a closer look-see at it because it resonated with me so much:
“Most people, and particularly kids, don’t realize that they are in control of their lives, and they’re the ones that are going to make the decisions, and they they’re the ones that are going to make it one way or the other. Usually, adolescence is a time when kids feel that the world is doing it to them and that they are the victim in all of this. Somewhere in here, you have to learn that you’re not the victim. But instead you’re the one who’s doing it. That moment is sometimes a long, slow realization, or sometimes, it’s turning on a light switch. All of a sudden you realize that you are the person who has control of your life.”
See, I started a class a couple weeks ago on mindfulness and meditation. These are things I’ve heard of before but to be honest here’s what I pictured: a balding man wearing robes and beads and chanting to himself. Yes, I know how cliche that is, but I truly didn’t know anything about this subject. Anyhoo, even after a couple of weeks I’m learning so much about how to stay calm and see things that are happening in a much different way.
I figured that mindfulness and meditation are used to only stay calm and feel good but oh boy…I was wrong (as usual 🙄). The book we are using in our class is “Good Morning, I Love You” by Shauna Shapiro and I take pages and pages of notes while reading each chapter…I may need more paper by the end of the class. Here’s what she says that resonates with me so much (paraphrased): We hold ourselves to unrealistic standards of perfection and judge ourselves harshly when we fall short. When we do this, we are assuming that perfection is possible and logically, we know it’s not. But, Dr. Shapiro makes it very clear that TRANSFORMATION is possible…that we can learn and change and grow throughout our lives.
So mindfulness, according to Dr. Shapiro, is paying attention in the moment (and meditation is one avenue we can use to do that). IN THE MOMENT. According to studies, our minds wander 47% of the time which means…get ready for it…we’re not in the present for 1/2 of our lives. HALF of our lives. That’s seemed crazy high to me, but as I’ve really been consciously focusing on the present, I know this statistic is right.
I can’t believe how much I berate myself for things I’ve done or said in the past, or I’m worrying about what I’m going to say or do in the future. While we are in the past, Dr. Shapiro says that we are often practicing 3 things: judgment, impatience, and frustration. As I think back, I do this all of the time and hold myself up to higher standards (perfection!) than any other person in my life. I forgive people for what they do or say…but forgiving myself is a completely different story. Why can we treat others with kindness and mercy, but not ourselves?
Also, Dr. Shapiro talks about how we all feel bad about ourselves. Maybe the degrees of this differ but most of us beat ourselves up and feel shame about who we are. The problem? She teaches us that shame literally shuts down parts of the brain that promote growth and learning…it robs the brain of energy that’s needed for the growth and change we’re seeking. So, instead of growing, I’m robbing myself of any chance of transforming my life in a positive way.
Dr. Shapiro goes on to say how she really struggled with practicing mindfulness while at a retreat in Thailand until a monk said this to her: “What you practice grows stronger.”
Wow. You know how some things hit you when you read them? This gobsmacked me. Think about it: if we’re always worrying or ruminating or judging ourselves or berating ourselves, those ‘habits’ are going to grow stronger to where we actually create pathways in the brain. Pathways that we walk down again and again.
Luckily, Dr. Shapiro reminds us about the neuroplasticity of the brain and how we can grow GREAT things and create new pathways with practice. Remember, what you practice grows stronger. The key? To practice ‘us’ with kindness. Kindness towards ourselves which is the essential part of mindfulness.
Finally, she talks about a block we have in terms of growth: “I don’t deserve to get better” and also reminds of this: “You are not just your past actions.” Read this again if you need too because it’s the end of the punishment we put ourselves through for things we can’t change. Isn’t that a relief?
I’ve been so much more conscious about my thoughts these past couple of weeks and am really trying to focus on the present instead of the past. Last night I let the dogs out and they were playing around in the yard. Bill’s house is a couple away and I get a bit upset when I see it and think back on our relationship. But, when I felt myself doing that, I stopped the thoughts and watched my dogs play in the yard. I felt the cool breeze against my skin, and listened to the sound of the night crickets, and smiling at the fun Ed and Mally were having, and how lucky I am to have this little piece of the earth. I wasn’t stressed about getting them inside and getting ready for bed or drying the dishes that were draining in the sink, etc. I was in the here and the now and took so much pleasure in what was going on around me.
Another example was after school today. I went to the grocery store and my normal mode of operandi is to rush as quickly as I can through it and get the hell out. Today? I started wandering around the produce and saw some strawberries that looked yummy. I took time to look at all the flower bouquets and smelled the roses (literally 😐). I saw one of my students and she said: “Professor K! It’s you!” And we hugged and laughed because I had just taught her class. I decided to buy a bouquet and after I checked out, I found her in an aisle and gave it to her…the look on her face was priceless and made my heart swell. Here’s the thing: I usually see grocery shopping as a chore to get through while I’m planning on the next thing to do. Today I saw it as what I AM doing and actually taking in what was happening in every moment. I came out of the store happy and content. That, my sweetie peeps, is a first.
Finally, I’m also learning from Dr. Shapiro and my Professor that mindfulness creates a space between what’s coming at you and how you respond. To take advantage of that space, you need to be in the present and cognitive of what’s happening. You aren’t simply REACTING but are consciously choosing a response.
Example? Today an older woman (she was about 1000 years old but no, it wasn’t ma 🤨) swung around the corner of my block so widely that she was thisclose to hitting me and I was thisclose to yelling and getting really upset, But, I stopped myself. I took a deep breath, told myself that I wasn’t hit, and went back to listening to my audio book as I was watching the sun come up higher in the sky. The drive to school was peaceful…I wasn’t all riled up.
The moral of the story to all of this? Mindfulness won’t change what happens in your life…but what it will do is change our relationship to what is happening. We go from reactors to responders and from slogging through life in the past to appreciating and finding joy in the present. Signing up for this class was one of the best things I’ve done lately and I can’t wait to keep learning and growing in this practice.