fear – It’s All in Your Head

“He opened the lid and shook his fist…” ~ Monster Mash

So, I got my daily newsletter in my inbox today from bphope which is an excellent website all about bipolar with features and stories, treatment news, relationship advice, etc. and every so often, there will be articles about the myths which abound with this mental illness. There always seems to be new ones and I’m sure I could add a lot to what’s already out there. But I’m having a somewhat down day today and realized that myths aren’t what I am most focused on in with this disorder right now…it’s fears.

“You have nothing to fear but fear itself.” This gem was first said by President Roosevelt in 1933 (after being swiped from Thoreau 😳 ) and I don’t want to be disrespectful but this is a crock of crap 💩 . Now, I understand what he was saying: you don’t want fear to paralyze you to where you can’t keep advancing but instead move backwards, and in the context of the Great Depression, this is probably sound advice. But, it also puts an onus of responsibility on people to never think they have a right to buckle…to stress…to become overwhelmed which to me are very human reactions to fearful situations that need to be expressed and validated.

Look, if a tiger was charging at me full-speed with fangs gleaming and roars emanating, I would NOT advance. I would NOT be able to retreat. I WOULD, however, most likely stand in that spot, paralyzed, with pee running down my safari shorts. Right? 😳 (Note to self: order some cute safari shorts…)

Those of us who have bipolar…or any mental illness…experience a lot of fears and if we can’t admit to them…talk about them…be validated for them…we feel yet another piece of additional guilt added on to an already huge list of things we have to feel bad about.

One of my biggest fears is that I’ll never find anyone in my life (outside of my wonderfully supportive family who truly does understand this 🥰) who will be able to fully understand that having bipolar is not a character flaw, a weakness, a manipulative ploy to control them. Bipolar is a biologically based illness…period. Various medical tests including MRI’s and CT’s show dramatic differences between healthy brains and bipolar brains and being a neurological illness, it literally changes how the brain operates.

Now, do we understand exactly WHY this happens? Nope. Does that mean it doesn’t happen? Nope. There are lots of times this happens with ‘accepted’ disorders/illnesses/diseases: Alzheimer’s, Multiple Sclerosis, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Bell’s Palsy, and Parkinson’s to name just a few. There’s no question that these are biological in nature…I don’t think anyone would dare say that those with Alzheimer’s are just being dramatic and if they would just try, their memory and associated physical conditions would miraculously return to normal. It gets old to be blamed for a condition you have…and it’s gets old for having to apologize for it over and over again.

Silhouetted profile with pills forming a brain’s outline

On the same note, having to rely on meds to control this illness is scary too, although I realize that all meds can be scary. Look at what we’re seeing in terms of conditions that have altered their chemistry as a result of the over-use of antibiotics. According to the CDC, more than 2.8 million of these antibiotic-resistant infections occur in the U.S. yearly and no fewer than 35,000 people die because of this.

Psychotropic meds are scary simply for the fact they are operating on your actual brain functioning…your center so to speak. You know, in a way it’s like being an alcoholic: you need the ‘chemical’ to balance yourself. Take a look-see at this from Alcohol Rehab Guide:

“When someone abruptly quits drinking, the neurotransmitters are no longer inhibited by alcohol and the brain scrambles to adjust to the new chemical imbalance – causing the debilitating side effects of withdrawal which are separate from the “feel good” effects of alcohol consumption.”

It’s the same with my meds in that they affect my neurotransmitters and chemical balances; however, I NEED the meds to do this or my bipolar would be completely out of control. It’s not an addiction…but a need. And of course there are withdrawal effects when the med is stopped. According to Healthgrades: “Some drugs (and combinations of drugs) are linked to higher risks of obesity, diabetes, heart problems, thyroid disorders, kidney problems, and other chronic illnesses, all of which can shorten lifespan when left untreated.”

If this isn’t bad enough, there’s also the fear that our meds will lose their ability to be effective and will need to be changed (like mine are right now). So, you’re faced with often terrible withdrawal effects as your brain re-adjusts without the med and then have to begin something new…hoping it will work.

In fact, Healthgrades also states: “Studies show that people with bipolar disorder are more likely to die early than people without the condition, by anywhere from 10 to 25 years.” I’m 54 (blech 🙄) years old. I want to live as long as I can to see my future grandbabies (cough cough, son…), to be productive in my life, to fulfill dreams I have…and the list goes on.

Another fear? Research at The National Center for Biotechnology Information has shown a significant increase in dementia in older people who have bipolar. Well hells bells…that’s great to know. 🙄 Not only is my life-span shortened but I may not realize what’s happening in it the last few years anyway. Charmed.

So, there are things to fear but fear itself and when you have a mental illness, there can be a lot of fears. Having these doesn’t mean I don’t move forward but it does mean that I carry the burden of these everyday. We all do. And we all need to be ensured by others that we are loved…special…smart…funny… in spite of what’s on our shoulders. Or what’s in our heads.

Kristi xoxo

“Happiness depends upon ourselves.” ~ Aristotle

happiness-quotes-happiness-is-a-gift-and-the-trick-is-not-to-expect-it-but-to-delight-in-it-when-it-comes-charles-dickens-wisdom-quotes

So, what does it mean to be happy? Really think about it. Everyone says that all they want from life is to be happy…but what is it? Contentment? Security? Being loved? Having a family? Enjoying your career? A minimization of stresses? Is happiness the addition of good things/feelings, or a subtraction of the bad? Is it a concept like ‘love’ that has a different meaning for everyone?

220px-Cleaver_family_Leave_it_to_Beaver_1960

I’ve been contemplating this a lot lately for a variety of reasons. I used to think that my happiness stemmed around having a family. The white picket fence, “Leave it to Beaver” type family I always wanted for myself, and I pretty much had that when O was a little guy and his dad and I were raising him for the 13 years we were together. I can honestly say that was the ‘happiest’ time in my life since being a mama and wife meant so much to me. It was also then that I was hired as an adjunct instructor, got a full-time position, and then was rising up the ranks to being a professor. It was almost like the stars were aligned just right and everything that I had ever wanted came together.

Fast forward to my life now, single and living alone, and I ask myself if I’m happy like this. I never thought I’d be because here’s a secret for you: I was always VERY scared to be alone. VERY.

Even when others were at home with me, but I was upstairs while they were downstairs, I’d still be scared! Sometimes sissy would spend the night with someone and my parents would get me in bed before they went down to watch TV. I would lay in bed shaking…literally. My family used to laugh at how I’d sleep with all of my stuffed animals in my bed to where they surrounded me like a fence, but it was my safety net, so to speak. If anything could scare off a monster or axe murder, it was my pink bunny with the ears pulled off. I don’t think they know this or not, but I often snuck out of my room and would sit on the steps for a time just so I could hear them talk and the TV playing. I felt much safer then.

02052019_ted_182643-780x516 — Ted Bundy…Seattle Times.

Then, it was around the time I was in the 6th grade or so that ma started working outside the home full-time (and yes, I used to roll my eyes at that expression but after raising a son, I’m here to tell you that professoring is a freaking breeze compared to the work load of mommying) and my sissy was in High School. Ma would drop her off and I’d get myself off to school. No biggie…right? I had 2 blocks to walk and I was only home for a half hour or so before leaving. But I was petrified every single morning (which is why I often called T in sick to school so her friends could come over for a skip day, courtesy of my excellent imitation of mom’s voice that the school secretary never questioned) and having T at home for that 1/2 hour before I tottered off to school made me so much more comfortable. If anyone could stave off a Ted Bundy wannabe, it was T!

Even as an adult, I was scared. When M (Hubby 1) and I were married, he often had to work 3rd shift and I was alone in our green trailer (if I never see a toilet the color of a rotten avocado, I’ll die content). I’d pack up Scooter (my first ever dog), Sheldon (my parakeet) and myself and traipse over to ma’s to spend the night in my old room. She was married to R at the time (get ready for it…the fucking bastard) but even spending the night in the same house as him was preferable to being by myself. That, my sweet peeps, says a lot.

When O’s dad and I got married, we moved a couple of states away and sometimes he’d have to go on 2 day trips around Kansas (very exciting stuff) while I stayed at home with my baby. I couldn’t go to moms unless I wanted to drive 14 hours, so I’d barricade me and O in my bedroom with my German Shepherd posted outside the door (God bless you, Tessie) and would count the hours until morning. Hubby never understood why I was so freaking tired when he got home since O could sleep through the night by that time.

unnamed — The real Bloody Mary – First Queen of England

I don’t know what did it, but being alone started to change for me when I was married to Hubby 3. He spent his summers riding with his motorcycle club (gang 😳) and I was alone for 3 day weekends all through the season, as well as during his 4-5 day trips. I hated it at first, but then started savoring more and more of the aloneness (is that even a word?). I liked having the time to do whatever it was I wanted to do, but yes, I was still really scared at night. Do you remember the game “Bloody Mary”, where you look in a mirror, chant that phrase, and then you’ll actually see her ghost appear? Because of that damn ‘game’, I couldn’t sleep in a room with a mirror for ages. So, when Hubby was gone, I’d put a blanket over my dresser mirror that faced the bed, and hoped for the best. Eventually, I took it down…believe it or not, that was a huge step for me! (P.S. She never appeared…go figure 🙄).

So here I am now…alone. Everything I didn’t want to be but suddenly the situation I find myself in. Surprisingly though, I don’t hate it and in fact, sometimes I really love it! You see, I used to depend on others to make me feel secure. Safe. And to go even further with it validated…important…needed…and yes, happy too. I sought these things from everyone I had been in a relationship with. I wanted them to be the one stop shop where I could get all I needed just from them. I wanted them to be responsible for the things that made me ‘happy’ and as you well know by now, those situations didn’t last.

You know, I used to hate it when people would say: “You are responsible for your own happiness.” OK…I’ll jot that down in my little book of advice. But actually, it’s true. I think I turned away from the gist of that phrase because I didn’t want the responsibility of my own happiness. I didn’t want to learn to depend on me. Feel safe with me. Feel secure with me. That sounded like a crap load of work, and it was so much easier to put that onus on someone else and then blame them when I wasn’t happy. Right? Why take on a job when you can pass it along to another? (By the way sis, you still owe me a vacuuming from 1980 when I did it for you that one afternoon before ma got home…just sayin’).

ghk-happy-quotes-letting-go-1532381056

So, I’ve been put in a situation where I’m having to depend only on me. If I want to feel secure, I am the one to make that happen. If I want to feel safe, I have to understand I can take care of myself. If I want to feel content…fulfilled…’happy’…then it’s up to me to create that environment to do so. Period. Me. Just good old (cough cough) me.

And guess what? I’m doing it! Over these past months, I’ve learned so much about myself. I’ve learned how much stronger I am. How much more capable. I’ve learned to take care of me…by myself. I’ve come to understand I can weather storms with just me, Eddie, and Little Dot and it’s empowering every time. I have finally come to see that depending on me is something I’ve needed for a long long time. I’ve also learned something so so important: that being with someone who creates unhappiness for you is so much worse than simply being alone. I don’t NEED anyone to fulfill my needs now (although having one of those fulfilled…ahem…would be sorta nice), I’m doing just fine on my own.

So, back to my original question: is this what happiness is…at least for me? Yes. I think it is. I know when I wake up, I smile. I know doing things around my house to make it exactly the way I want it makes me proud. I know that watching Eddie and Dottie play out in the yard makes me laugh. I know that watching stupid movies and eating dinner on the couch with Eddie’s head on my lap makes me feel a sense of contentment. Maybe this wouldn’t be enough for someone else. Maybe it’s too ‘little’…after all, I’m not traveling the world or jumping out of a plane, but it’s what I like. And for me…that seems to be my happiness.

I still cry. I still deal with issues relating to being bipolar. I still get scared at times…lonely…sad. I still miss having a partner at times. I still want a picket fence family again. Right now, I’m cycling through a bit of a manic stage but with some depression in the mix (it’s such a weird feeling to be on top of the world while crying at times), and the other day, I was really struggling. I reached out to a friend and asked if they could come over for even just a few minutes to give me a hug and reassure me I was going to be OK. They couldn’t so I weathered the storm on my own, and came out just fine. By myself. All by myself. And…I was so proud.

For me, this is all happiness. Knowing that no matter what happens to me in life, I’ll always have myself. I’m happy with being ‘just’ me. I’m happy with how I’m living right now and what I’m doing. Maybe happiness is different for everyone, but sometimes I think people seek it too much in things…or in other people…or in constantly striving for that ‘something’ else that will miraculously fulfill them and make them believe they have finally reached the nirvana they sought. I’m thinking it’s a little more than that…and a little less. I’m thinking that it really does come from within…that it’s not money or cars or houses or others. It’s you, and being content with who you are. That, grasshoppers, is enough…at least for me.

Kristi xoxo

If it Ain’t One Thing, it’s Another.

4209495-Carrie-Fisher-Quote-I-m-fine-but-I-m-bipolar-I-m-on-seven

So, no matter how much I learn and experience with bipolar, there’s always something else waiting to catch me off guard; it makes me realize how much this mental illness affects so many areas of my life besides ‘just’ mood.

I’m reading a classic book called: “An Unquiet Mind” by Kay Redfield Jamison and this is my 2nd time through it. The first time I read it I was so moved by the story of Kay and the development and her life with bipolar, but this time I’m really slowing down and taking it in. I started dog-earing pages (it’s OK…I own the book) that were pertinent to my own experiences but after a while, the book got so thick with these bent corners, I stopped doing it because every page spoke to me on such a personal level.

We all know the classic symptoms of bipolar, right? Manic highs, depressive lows, and all of the goodies that go along with these (please take a look-see at this…it took me 20 minutes to get it right 🙄):

bipolar symptoms

Anyhoot, there are so many other issues that go along with having bipolar as well and most people don’t realize how severe they can be. Reading memoirs and other material helps me remember I’m not alone in experiencing these problems and that’s a comfort to me.

Memory is a biggie. When I’m manic, I don’t have time to remember. Hello! I’m so freaking busy painting, sewing, mowing, running, hiking, shopping (!), cleaning, yacking and yacking and yacking, and moving around from task to task with my mind speeding along so fast, how in the world is my brain supposed to retain anything? When I was manic last summer, I painted almost every single piece of furniture I own along with 3 rooms, but I barely remember doing it! Seriously! When I’m manic, I lose chunks of time. Everyday last summer I walked a minimum of 8-10 miles and have no memory of the majority of these jaunts and the routes I took. You know, it’s scary when your mind loses time like this. It’s like it’s going on auto-pilot and you are caught up in the vortex. I’ve done crafts/art when I’m manic, and after I cycle back down, I have no idea how to do what I’ve already created. It’s spooky.

I have a lot of trouble talking as well (I know, I know…that’s extremely hard to imagine and ma, I know you’re rolling your eyes right now) when I’m manic, I talk so loud and fast that it’s overwhelming for people to listen, but frustrating for me. I’ll hear “slow down” or “hold on…I can’t keep up” but I am simply unable to do that. I have so much to say with my mouth already not keeping up with my brain that telling me to slow down is like telling a wild horse ‘whoa’ before he’s been ‘broken.’ (Actually there is a term for manic speech called pressured speech).

18+ Famous Bipolar Quotes

Sometimes I’ll even lose words. I have so much to get out but my mind is racing forward so fast that I can’t find the words I want to use. I’ve even made up some to compensate. And my ideas? Well hells bells, I can basically invent anything…figure out the mysteries of the universe…and brainstorm solutions to any of the world’s ills. If there’s no one to listen to this grandiosity? That’s OK…I’ll just talk out loud to myself (or Eddie and Dottie who think I’m absolutely brilliant).

Now, the flip side is this: when I’m in a depression (and by the way, women with bipolar have more depression than men) I don’t want to talk, and actually having a conversation can be exhausting. I think this can be explained two-fold…my mind is slowed down so much there’s not much in there but feelings of darkness, and I’m so fatigued mentally (and physically), it’s just too much effort to express much of anything.

This is tough. I know when I’m cycling through a depression, ‘keeping busy’ and doing stuff I normally like would be a good idea. But the kicker is this: I don’t like to do anything when I’m down. What I normally love is pushed aside. Running is known to help mood (any cardiovascular exercise) but I’ll get my shoes laced up and my tights on, but will either balk at going outside to start, or will stop after a block and walk home, panicky, until I get through the safety of my door again. Even reading isn’t pleasurable to me during these times. I might start 5 books, read a few pages, and then just put it down with no interest whatsoever. And art? Nope. No original ideas out all…or strength to even get supplies out and ready to use.

So then guilt takes over, and those of us with bipolar have tons of it. People will say: “Take a walk!” “Get out and about!” “Paint!” but I can’t. Literally, physically, mentally I can’t. And then I feel guilty that the advice I’m given is impossible to do, or because I don’t have the ability to will myself back up to a better mood again.

Self-esteem is an issue too. When I’m manic, oh my gosh…I can conquer the world! I have so much confidence in everything I do and I know I’m the most interesting, engaging, wonderful, awesome person ever, doing stuff no one else is doing (right…no one else walks or runs everyday… 🙄)! I can do anything and when someone asks me for something? The answer is YES before they can even finish their sentence. And by golly, I get it done everytime…usually right away.

zw9k1nvpmlpy

Then the darkness comes in and I feel like shit about myself. No confidence, hating what I see in the mirror, shying away from any requests because I feel like I’ll fuck them up if I even have the energy to do them (sorry ma, but that’s the only way I can describe it.) If I’ve made a commitment during a manic phase and then am depressed when I need to follow through, I feel tons of guilt if I can’t and I know it’s hard for others to understand this. “Hey, you promised a couple of months ago you’d do this.” Yes, I realize that (well not really, because who the hell remembers), but I can’t even wash my hair today, so…there you go. And then? I feel even more horrible about myself than ever.

Fear is another big concern. I have fairly ‘normal times’ (which aren’t really ‘normal’ per se…just not full hypomania or full depression) but know another cycle will eventually rear it’s ugly head. I’m ecstatic when it’s mania…actually, it’s fun in a way. To have that much energy is intoxicating, but will I be able to reign it in when I teach…interact with students…interact with my colleagues? Or, maybe depression is what I’ll cycle into. Will I have the ability to teach…to not cry at school…to even get up to start my day? It’s despairing to have this fear and dread be a part of your everyday existence.

These doubts and the inability to handle things ‘normally’ when I’m cycling forces me to wear masks. As much as I’m trying to be genuine and authentic, my life compels me to put some of those masks back on so I can function as expected. As we all now know from wearing real face masks for the last 6 months, these proverbial masks are just as constricting and uncomfortable, but we can’t necessarily rip them off when they become too much.

princess-leia-carrie-fisher-mental-illness-quote

Another fear is what the mania and depression do to me physically. Regardless of what mood I’ve cycled into, I often have stomach issues (I do have a pesky ulcer that tends to come back periodically) and diarrhea (so much fun 😐) is common for me as is a constant feeling of ‘ick’ in my belly (I think the medical term nausea is more often used, but ‘ick’ describes it better for me). Whether I’m manic or depressed, I get a racing heart at times (which is scary as hell) and hyperventilate, or I’ll break out in a sweat that soaks my entire bod. Headaches are common and muscles aches happen too. The physical side of bipolar is the least talked about (at least in my experience) but these can be just as scary as the moods. Sometimes even more so.

I also find myself having a lack of affect (emotional expression) or inappropriate affect (to say the least). When I’m manic, it’s almost impossible for me to cry or show any negative feelings, so I’ll hear something tragic, but can’t react with the right empathy. I know it’s sad and I feel bad about it…but my brain is ‘on fire’ (to borrow that term from Susannah Cahalan’s memoir) and it can’t slow down to really process the situation. On the flip side? When I’m down, everything gets to me. Ma will tell me something ‘good’ and I’ll start to bawl. I mean really sob like it’s the end of the world. Watching a movie during this time is hellish at best, because even my normally fave comedies like “What About Bob?” make me weep because I read so much angst in the characters. Poor Bob, he’s so freaking lonely and misunderstood.

41I6gYoCl6L._SX218_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_ML2_

Then, there’s a constant feeling of disappointment. Last summer I was manic and happy and energetic and the world was a wonderful place with rainbows and sunshine. I’m not there right now. I’m still cycling through a depression that’s lifting somewhat, but still hanging on (like a sloth on a freaking tree). I want to be up again…I’m so so sick of being down still. This depression has held of for over 7 months now, and I want it over. I want to feel better. I want to be happy again. I was hoping and praying and wishing spring would magically take this away, and it’s chipping at it piece by piece, but I’m not there yet. I don’t want a full-blown manic phase, but getting rid of this dark tunnel would be just ducky.

Medications help these moods, but only to an extent. Mood stabilizers can lessen the severity of the cycles, but doesn’t ‘treat’ them to where they disappear. It’s like using Tylenol for a migraine. It might lessen the pain so it’s a bit more bearable, but some (often a lot) pain still exists. In fact, that’s another disappointment I think all people with mental illness experience: we want our meds to be the fairy godmother that waves her magic wand and rids of us of our sickness. But as we all know, there ain’t too many of those around. And then when people say: “Are you taking your meds?” when you’re experiencing these ups and downs, we feel guilt again when they aren’t working perfectly.

Another thing I have to deal with is anger and whether I’ll be able to reign it in or not. Whether I’m up or down, there’s an anger boiling inside of me all of the time and it’s such an unwelcome ‘guest’ and I want to kick it out the door and turn the key. Little things can set me off, and this anger can be so so disproportionate to the trigger. It’s horrifying when this explodes. I can hear myself saying terrible things or acting hatefully and it’s like I’m watching someone else doing it. I want it to stop…but once again, the control is in the part of the bipolar brain I don’t have much access too.

inspirational quotes suicidal person Best of lost black and white depressed depression sad suicidal suicide

Probably the most terrifying aspect is the recurring thoughts of suicide. Yes, when you are in a depression, suicidal thoughts often abound for so many. But I have them during manic stages too when my impulsivity and inability to really think about the consequences of my actions take over. If I’m upset during mania, my bipolar brain will think: “Oh…you’d be sorry if I killed myself and everyone will be at my funeral!” Maybe that’s why 20-60% of people with bipolar will attempt suicide and up to 19% will succeed. It’s never fully out of our minds.

And talk about understanding…how in the hell do you tell people about these reactions and moods and guilt and self-esteem and physical issues when you really can’t grasp them yourself? How do you apologize for things you blurted out when manic? Promises not kept? Emotional reactions that were often flippant? Explosions of fury? Look, it’s harder than fuck when your mind takes you over as opposed to you being able to control it yourself and I think that’s the hardest thing for others to understand who don’t have a mood disorder. It’s like we’re just the train car following where ever the engine want to take us. We don’t have the brakes. The ability to take another route. The wherewithal to slow down or speed up. And when we try to apologize, how can it ever be enough? And then BINGO, here’s comes the guilt and the tummy aches and the lowered self-esteem, and life continues in this bipolar way.

You know, having insight into this disorder is difficult enough, and just when you think you have a handle on it, BAM! …something else pops up. It really helps to read books and articles about other peoples struggles, because it’s normalizes this abnormal world for me. It’s lets me know I’m not alone. and others are in the same boat. And peeps, that’s what I hope I do for you. Let you know you aren’t alone in any struggles you have, and that you’re in good company always. ❤

Kristi xoxo

‘Scary Monsters (And Super Creeps) ~ David Bowie

So, one of the most short-sighted, but often quoted saying to me is this: “There’s nothing to fear but fear itself.”. Now, when Franklin D. Roosevelt said this in his inaugural speech in 1933 (didn’t know you were going to get a history lesson today, huh?), the country was in the midst of the Great Depression and he wanted to rally the people to not let their fear paralyze them or beat them down further than they already were. OK. I understand the circumstance and the need of FDR to challenge the people to be as pro-active as they could, but today I think this saying is used too freely.

yellow animal dangerous head — Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

We all have fears, don’t we? Fear of falling, heights, snakes (ME ME ME), public speaking, being alone at night, being the victim of a crime, clowns (ME ME ME) and the list can go on and on. And to say there’s nothing to fear but fear itself assumes that all fears are irrational. Hey, if I’m confronted by a bunch of snakes slithering towards me, my fear is justified, peeps. My cold sweats and elevated heart beat says it all. If we don’t validate that people have ‘real’ fears and recognize that so many times they come from a very justifiable place, then we aren’t addressing how we can help the person deal with them more productively (damn…that is a very impressive sentence…textbook quality?).

And fears aren’t always about actual, physical danger, are they? I’m a believer that many of us have fears regarding ourselves, our relationships, our mental illnesses. I also believe that these fears just don’t come about quickly, but develop over a period of time through, I could say situations here but it sounds too ‘light’ so I’m going to use the word shit. The shit we go through that shapes us into fearful beings.

Take me (ok…that’s not literal, but if you’re rich and single, give me a call): I learned over the years that to be in a fairly stable place, I needed to make sure I was aquiescent to the people who could hurt me or the people I love. When ma was married to her 2nd husband who was domestically violent, I learned very early in their marriage to give in or go along with whatever R was saying, no matter how irrational or wrong it was. If I didn’t, he’d become enraged and the target of this anger would be ma. In order to keep her safe, I bowed down to him. Knowing ma could get hurt because of me was a tremendous fear in my life every time I was around him.

WGAA5951

So, guess what? That fear became a part of me. It was so deeply ingrained that I still believe that ‘people pleasing’ is a necessary thing in relationships and that it’s important in order for that relationship to be ‘happy’ (whatever the hell that means). I need to make sure I say what I’m supposed to say, or act the way I’m supposed to act, based on someone elses wants or needs.

When that psychologist was sexually abusing me, I knew it was wrong and I felt dirty and shameful because of it. But, he had saved my life…gotten me to open up about things I needed to face. He helped me reign my eating disorder in, talked me down after my first suicide attempt, and the more I depended on him, the more I strove to please him as much as I could. I didn’t know if I could live without him or his office and the sanctuary it had once given me. When he began touching me, I didn’t say no. In so many ways, I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to upset him. Reject him. Give him reason to ‘hate’ me. Abandon me. Throw me away. So, I said nothing.

Hubby 2 has a GREAT mom…she truly is the best and can do most anything and everything. She was “Supermom” and worked 24/7 in such a selfless way. When we had been married for 6 years, we built a house on Hubby’s parents land and I lived next door to my in-laws for the next 7 years. Because we were so close, I felt I was put into a competition with mom. She washed her windows every season, planted a huge garden, took care of acres of property, hung her wash out to dry, cooked nice meals that I couldn’t emulate, and never sat down to read or rest. After hearing for years how terrific she was (and I know she is), I began to feel I had to live up to the bar she set. When I lived next door, I struggled to keep up. If I laid down in the afternoon, I felt guilty (sometimes I still do) and not getting a chore done was unacceptable.

So I did all of this with a smile on my face, wanting to please Hubby and let him know I was up to par with this woman he idolized. And the entire time I plastered a smile on my face. I was ‘person pleasing’ him and I feared the consequence of not doing this would be his disapproval and criticism (something I’m ill equipped to handle thanks to my ‘sensitive’ personality 🙄).

man riding on horse in front of window — Photo by Gantas Vaičiulėnas on Pexels.com

This pattern, based on the fear of retaliation, hurt and rejection, truly has followed me my entire adult life. The most recent rendition of it was with J. After he cheated on me the first time, I forgave him quickly and with very little effort of apology or him showing remorse. If I voiced my anger, my sadness, or my distrust, he’s the one that became offended and annoyed. You see, my nagging was what was dragging us down. My feelings of distrust and needing to know where he was or who he was texting made him feel resentful, which once again, was the cause of our relationship not being ‘perfect’. It didn’t matter what he did. It mattered what my reactions were. And since I’ve attended this shitty rodeo before, I tried, as hard as I could, to ‘person please’ him. “No honey…it’s ok. I’m sorry I was worried.” “Babe…it’s my fault you’re upset. I shouldn’t have brought her up.”

Sometimes I wonder if so much of this people pleasing, which is founded in the fear of me being rejected, is a big part of the breakdown I had. I had given in to so much over the years and lived my life based on other expectations while sucking up my own wants and needs, that it became too much. Think about it. I was a pleaser in all of my marriages (shutty the mouthy…I’m not Elizabeth Taylor yet 😳); I gave everything I knew the Hubby of the decade wanted, yet they still moved on to apparently greener pastures. (They’re all greener until you start crapping in those too). I gave in to so much of what J wanted throughout our relationship because I loved him so stinkin’ much and didn’t want to lose him, and look what I got for my effort. Nada.

I’m kinda starting this pattern again with my old friend I’ve been yacking too. Trying to be what he wants me to be in order to please him. Trying to say the right things. Agree to the right things, but this time, I’m stopping myself. I’m recognizing it. I’m seeing that if I continue this pattern, it ain’t gonna work out. I think I finally understand that I’ve never wanted someone to be a ‘yes’ man for me. I want their genuine, muddied, real self. By the same token, I can understand how me being a ‘yes’ woman can lessen respect someone might have for me. I guess I’m just scared to put my real self out there. When you have a mental illness, your genuine self isn’t always your best self. Your intentions may not be what your moods are dictating that day. Your responses and behavior may be a done deal before you reign in that fucking brain of yours and try your best to fight it. Sometimes your real self can be very overwhelming to the other person. Sometimes, it can even be a deal-breaker.

So, I learned early on that you can’t rock the boat. You can’t disagree. You always have to nod, smile and say yes on the outside, while saying no to yourself on the inside, no matter how much it hurts or how much it might cost you. But, as I have found, people pleasing isn’t the key. Maybe trying to be whatever the other person wants you to be isn’t the strongest foundation for any relationship. And maybe what I’ve been doing all of these years is backwards – that the key is simply pleasing me and them much more equally and hoping the other person can accept that as being enough.

Kristi xoxo