kindness – It’s All in Your Head

“Why you gotta be so mean?” ~ Taylor Swift

So, a cliché is an expression that may have been original and but has lost its novelty because of being overused. Examples? “You win some…you lose some.” or “Every cloud has a silver lining.” or “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” (you know, this one really sucks…I’ll either die or get strong…hmmm 😬). You get the drift.

Anyhoot, I was thinking about the cliché yesterday that says “Haters gonna hate” and thought that some of these sayings are valid and very very true.

When I was with J, I was a freaking hot mess. After his first round of ‘indiscretion’ (isn’t that a nice synonym to use? 😐), I started to go down a trajectory into a breakdown (there were a LOT of other factors that fed into this). During this time I had who I considered a really good friend. We talked a lot and got each other little things and I’d go to her house on occasion. When J stopped seeing me for a period of time, she was very supportive and was a shoulder to lean on. I appreciated it so so much. But, when I chose to go back to him she was enraged and from that point on, never spoke to me again.

Anyway, she is someone I work with at the college and yesterday, as I was coming out of my office to traipse down to my classroom, she came out of a bathroom and was on her way down the hall. When she spotted me, she turned around and went back into the bathroom in order to avoid walking by me or seeing my masked face. 😷

I’m not going to lie to you…it hurt. It really did. I texted Terri and she said exactly the right thing to me…but I better not repeat it here or ma will have a conniption fit. Let’s just leave it there! But I still stewed over it all day because I’m the type of person who wants everyone to like me. Silly and unreasonable, huh?

But being hated to the point of such blatant avoidance of me…by someone who I truly cared for…is something I’ve never experienced before. And honestly, something I don’t know I deserve. I wasn’t myself during that time. I was a broken down, un-stabilized, defeated person who needed help so badly. Not to be turned away. I’d like to think I wouldn’t have done the same but you never know… the whole “NOT ME” syndrome.

Have I ever felt hate? You better believe I have…and do. Ma’s fucking (sorry, ma 😳) bastard of an ex-husband is #1 on my list and I doubt I’ll ever lose this regarding him. So, I understand the feeling…and I understand we’re all capable of it. But I also understand this: it’s something that isn’t just projected onto the targeted person, but affects yourself as well.

I hate (!) the fact that I carry hate for this man. I hate that he triggered something in my heart that caused this loathing because it becomes a part of you. And when we go back to the cliché “Haters gonna hate” it’s almost like the hatred can spread. That if you start hating one thing…you’ll start hating more. Did you know that when you express an emotion, it amplifies that emotion? Like when I use my punching bag to take stress out on. I start with some little punches but then get fueled up and beat the shit out of that bag (which actually is a bit impressive! 😎) Hate becomes a dark space in yourself that you’re forced to recognize . And it makes me wonder how much it could grow.

We see it so much now in our society. It’s almost like we have this polarization of how we see people and issues: we either love ’em or we hate ’em. There’s often no in-between. Think about the Trump – Biden election. If that doesn’t show love or hate, I don’t know what does.

So, what are some clichés that I think are valid to live by? That I really consciously want to live by? Hmmmm…

“Treat others like you treat yourself” is one. I think I haven’t always done this because I haven’t always treated myself well. I know ma and Terri have taken the brunt of this at times and I know I’ve been rude and selfish to others. It’s kinda like the cliché that says “You can’t love another if you don’t love yourself.” I tend to think that’s true.

Another one I want to make sure I put effort into? “Be kind.” Just 2 words…and little ones at that. But the power behind them? HUGE. Maybe this includes smiling more at people (our IL mask mandate is officially lifted in a couple of days so I’ll actually be able to ‘smile out loud’! 😊) or saying ‘hello’ or asking about someone’s day and actually listening and empathizing. Maybe it’s about looking people in the eye and really seeing them…or asking people in your life if they need anything. And maybe all of this stems from being kind to ourselves where we know our hearts and perspectives and beliefs. Understanding these might help us to understand someone else’s situation or perspective which can help us to be kind because of it.

You know, as I write this I’m thinking that it’s really kind of easy to hate, isn’t it? But is it easy to be kind? Compassionate? Just plain ole’ nice? It doesn’t seem so. It seems to be something we have to consciously focus on and nurture and remember. It’s also a reminder that when we’re not kind because we’re having a sucky day or what-not, we need to apologize. Part of me thought about sending my hater (and I’m sure I have more out there…hopefully they’ll stay hidden 😐) a card thanking her for what she did for me and apologizing for my decisions. But then I waver and wonder what is it I’m actually apologizing for? Being human? Making a mistake that I took the brunt of? Not doing what someone else expected me to do?

We all do these things, don’t we? Making mistakes that have tentacles that touch others. But really, it’s how we learn and grow and re-build ourselves over and over again, isn’t it? I don’t believe people deserve “hate” for that. Maybe disappointment. Frustration. Anger. But in the end, I think most of us just deserve understanding.

Kristi xoxo

Ain’t No Mountain High Enough ~Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell

So, blech. I’m going to preface this post with a trigger: if you love New Years and hate ‘party poopers’ click away…this might get you right in the gut.

Anyhoot, I really don’t like New Years. I know…I know…that sounds horrible but in a nutshell, when our ‘modern’ Gregorian calendar was created in 1582 by Pope Gregory the XIII, it followed the solar year and the months represent God or Goddesses, festivals, numbers, etc. It ‘starts’ a new solar year but to me, it’s still a sort of man made construction of time. I don’t know if that makes sense…but in my little bipolar brain, it does. Go figure.

This pattern is available on ETSY by OhMyStitchesShop!

As I’ve mentioned before, I pretty much hate toxic positivity. Things like “You can be anything you want if you lift up your wings like a butterfly, soar through the sky with beauty and light and change the entire world for the better while being the best you can be everyday of your life” You get my point. Although actually, this might look mighty good on a cross stitch sampler…hmmmmm…

But, I do like this quote from Meister Eckhart very much: “Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.” Isn’t this great? And this quote encapsulates why New Years is no biggie to me.

Isn’t it true that every single day is the time when we can start anew and that January 1st isn’t the end all/get all ‘perfect’ time to begin? Why can’t we resolve to have a better attitude…more willingness…greater kindness any day? Why is the first of the year the time when people promise things like: “I’m going to eat the most unhealthy I can throughout the holidays but start a vigorous workout routine for 2022 while training for a marathon during which time I give a vast amount of my earnings to charity, completely makeover my house which will be the envy of the neighborhood, and never cut my bangs again.” Why can’t these (or maybe more realistic 🙄) resolutions be started on March 2nd or June 6th or September 24th? Why is January 1st ‘it’?

According to Forbes: ” Studies have shown that less than 25% of people actually stay committed to their resolutions after just 30 days, and only 8% accomplish them.” See, resolutions are promises to do or not do something…they are somewhat open and directionless. Whereas goals, which experts think are much more pragmatic and have an aim to them…something that will be accomplished. Something more specific.

So a resolution might be: “I’m going to eat more healthy everyday.” A goal would be: “I’m going to eat 3 servings each of fruits and veggies and cut down the sugar and fat intake in order to lose 15 pounds in 2 months.” My dad really taught me about goals when I ran my first marathon. He had me tape a training schedule to my fridge which would tell me daily/weekly mileage that would prepare me for the run. Everyday I had a specific distance and would highlight it after I ran. The schedule kept me focused, the goal was clear and I doubt I would have run the marathon had I not done this. In short saying “I’m gonna run a marathon” is too vague.

I’m guilty of this too though – I’ll say things like “I’m going to be more compassionate” but HOW can I do that? Have a schedule of volunteer hours? Turn off all of my screens when talking to a student or ma? Asking about people and actually listening to the answer? Yes…I’m going to try.

In a Parade article by Megan Grant, influencer Mik Zazon talks about 55 resolutions that people can work on and I’m going to rephrase the ones I want to incorporate in my life in a more specific way to me:

Do at least 1 random act of kindness a month such as helping a neighbor with a chore, buying items for our DV or homeless shelters like underwear/toiletries, etc.
Consciously shy away from gossiping – and yes, we all do this!
Keep a grateful journal which I write in every night.
Put $500 a paycheck into my savings account.
Decrease what I spend on ‘extras’ that I don’t really need.
Talk to myself…and others…with kindness.
Stay in touch with people that matter and actually speak to them instead of texts.
Start baking for family/friends/neighbors and try new recipes.

Mik goes on to state: “…resolutions are in fact NOT an invitation to start a diet or a workout plan but a beautiful reminder that a new year can bring new life to our passions.” Isn’t this great? To look at goals/resolutions as NEW life…NEW passion…NEW beginning? But we can do this NEW stuff anytime we want. If New Years goes by and we aren’t accomplishing these things, then start that day. Start on a Tuesday. Friday. Spring. Summer. In other words, just grow. Finally, I love this quote from Arthur Ashe: ‘Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.’

Happy New Year, peeps…you all deserve a great 2022! I’ll be thinking of you while I cuddle Ed and Mally in my flannel thrift shop nightie while watching “Mommie Dearest” on Netflix, eating the Hershey kisses pop gave me, and getting into bed by 9:00 which is a tad late for me. It’s gonna be a rockin’ time! 😀

Kristi xoxo

Do You Want to Check that Bag?

So, I have one of the coolest things I own in my office and I look at it everyday. It’s an old steamer trunk (a real one…not a knock-off from Hobby Lobby) that I got a couple of years ago. The guy that sold it to me for just a few bucks said it was ugly and he just wanted it out of his garage. (By the way, every time I say ‘bucks’, I can hear Michael Scott telling Pam it’s not ladylike). I thought I could paint it really funky and it’d be a neat piece in my basement. Then I started doing some research on it, and come to find out, it’s an oldie that was most likely used by immigrants coming to America in the early 20th century like my grandpa and his family did. How cool is that?

The manifest from my family’s voyage. My son and I also looked it up on Ellis Island when we visited NYC.

We started moving my son and his girlfriend into their apartment yesterday (luckily, it was from a basement with stairs to a top floor apartment with stairs…just sayin’) and if I never see a cardboard box again, I’ll be thrilled. Another by the way: there was a dolly in the U-Haul that we had to park a ways away since the apartment house sets back behind a big grassy area. Being someone who likes to make work easier, I asked why we weren’t using it. My boy said, “Ma, we don’t need it” while he was mopping sweat from his brow and panting like a dog. Anyhoot, when he was carrying a load, I got the damn dolly out, chucked the heaviest item on it, and scooted it up to the stairs, saving more than half the work. You may insert an eye roll here.

So, this morning I was sitting at my laptop doing some very important things (scrolling through Facebook while watching Rocketman for the 100th time) and started thinking about baggage. That’s a word we hear so much, isn’t it? How everyone has ‘baggage’ from past relationships, their childhood, their high school years, what have you. When I look at my trunk, I always wonder what baggage was in it. Baby clothes for an infant that was going to be born in America? Old quilts from relatives the immigrants won’t see anymore? Books in their native language so they will never have to stop reading? Food especially canned for the trip so they’ll have something to eat while seeking work?

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I guess I’ve been pondering this a bit more these past couple of weeks because I’ve reconnected with a high school buddy and we’ve been talking pretty much non-stop. And here’s the thing, I know that no matter what, my baggage, and his baggage, is going to play a role into whether or not this goes anyplace at all.

How do you learn to trust someone again after so many others have betrayed you? I trusted my psychologist with my life. Literally. And he used that trust, manipulated it into something cruel, and made me feel a horrible sense of shame and guilt even though I was another one of his victims. Hubby 3 was not only my spouse, but I can honestly say he was the best friend I’ve ever had. Every single day he would tell me how happy he was and how much he loved me. And then he walked out on me Christmas day after our 10th anniversary. J was the one person I trusted every single secret I’ve ever had with. I opened up to him more than anyone else, and he took so many of my words and confessions and then used them against me. He threatened so many things, one of them being my job.

So tell me. How do you come back from that? Yes, I understand that no one should pay the price for someone elses’ mistakes, but let me know how that works. Seriously. Because once you’ve been ‘burned’, the scars are so deep and the baggage packed so well, that just ‘getting rid of it’ is something hard to do. OK…I’ll just do what some self-helpers recommend: jot all of this stuff down, tear up the paper, and then flush it down the crapper. Wow. Works like a charm. All of those decades of being hurt and used are miraculously gone Yea!

Hmmmm. No. Everyone talks about how hard it is to rebuild trust in a person that’s wronged you. But, our ‘baggage’ makes it hard to actually trust anyone. I don’t care how many times someone says, “Kristi, you can trust me.” Okey-dokey. Haven’t heard those words before. Haven’t been to that shitty rodeo. Face it, no one is going to say: “Look, I’m going to be really nice to you for a while and get you believing that this is going to be great. And then I’m going to fuck you over, use you, tear you down after building you up, make you believe you deserve no better, and then when I’m done toying with you, I’ll find someone else that I may actually be good too…you know…for fun.”

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Wouldn’t it be nice if people came with warning labels? “WARNING! Good looking guy, out for a hook up, likes to sweet talk until he gets in your knickers, but cooks great.” Well hells bells (my grandpa used to love saying that…I just had to use it at least once in a post), at least I know what I’m in for. And for piss sakes, let’s not even imagine what my label would look like…let’s just assume it would have a lot of skulls and crossbones on it.

OK, so besides trust, what else is in my trunk (steamer…not booty)? Respect is a biggie. I hate how that word is used so easily. “Hey…that guy didn’t give me my fries…he disrespected me.” Welllllll…maybe if you hadn’t screamed into the mike at the drive through while calling him a douche bag when the audio was still on, you would have gotten your freaking fries. As my ma says : “Think, man!”

Respect is more than that to me; actually it’s more than that period. True respect is believing a person to be of value because of qualities they have…because of who they are and what they’ve done that’s admirable. I think a problem I have (among a myriad of many) is ‘giving’ respect to people that actually haven’t earned it yet. Just assuming this person is admirable because of this and this and this. “Oh…you’re a CEO! You must be a great person and I have such respect for you!” (Actually, they are a blithering imbecile, but they got one terrific office).

I learned very early on in my teaching career that you can’t expect attention and control in a classroom without earning respect first. I learned you can’t expect your child to respect you unless you have shown them you deserve it. “But, Kristi…our kids should respect us no matter what!” OK, kiddies…respect your parents who are drug dealers and beat you at night when you need fed. Just sayin. See what I mean? Once, an elementary teacher told me she was so tired at screaming at her class all day. Huh? When I looked gobsmacked, she said, “Damn, with college kids you must do that a lot.” Nope. Never. I’ve never screamed at my son, never at my rambunctious elementary/jr high/high school students, and never in my college classroom. If I can’t talk in my normal tone of voice and be listened too, I have a lot of work to do in terms of earning respect.

What about kindness? First 6 months: “Hey, sweetie…anything you want.” “Love you baby, I’m behind you all the way.” “Hon…of course you can have your wonderful, kind, loving family over for the holidays…your family is my family.” Then, let’s fast forward a couple of years: “Kristi, what the hell are you doing spending so much money on that?” “Kristi, if you think I’m going to spend another holiday with your God forsaken family, you’re nuttier than I thought.” (Actually, I probably am). Kindness for some is almost like a bait and switch: turn it on in the beginning so you ooze honey, and then pull it away until it’s gone. Blech.

And love? “Hey baby…I love you more than anything! You took care of my dying mom, helped me raise my daughter through adolescence, and pretty much provided for my every whim with no questions asked. Oh, I’m leaving tomorrow.” Or, “Kristi, you weren’t my first, but you’re going to be my last (bloggers note:I think this came from Pinterest), and you’ve done more for me than anyone else in my life. Oh, by the way, I’m going to cheat on you this weekend…just wanted you to have a heads up.” So gee, I wonder why hearing ‘I love you’ is hard for me to accept.

I guess it comes down to this: I know I have baggage…a lot of it. A steamer trunk full. And I know that no matter what I do to unpack it and get it put away elsewhere, there will still be some left at the bottom. But I also know that everyone has a trunk. How can we not? Unless we’ve lived like Pollyanna, it’s gonna happen. So, someone is going to have to work a bit more hard in gaining my trust. Earning my respect. Helping me realize their kindness is genuine. Opening my heart. Actually though, that may be what I’ve always done wrong in the past…given these things away too quickly before realizing the true value of them first.

Kristi xoxo