So, my sis had me watch “Love is Blind” on Netflix and it was fascinating. Here’s the premise in case you haven’t watched: 30 men and women go into these rooms (called ‘pods’ on the show which makes me think of a post- apocalyptic time 🙄 ) in which you can’t see, but only hear, the other person. All of the contestants spend 10 days speed-dating with each other, and then can talk to certain people they connect with the best. After 10 days, some of the people get engaged, and it’s only after this that they actually see each other and meet. They go on get-aways and then tackle ‘real life’ before getting married (maybe) after a month of being face-to-face. Plus, during the ‘pod’ interaction and get-away, there are no phones or social media of any kind so that the people/couples can totally focus on one another.
Now, as the name states quite clearly, this ‘experiment’ is trying to answer the day old question: Is love blind? I’m not going to tell you what happens to the 8 couples that actually get engaged (6 are followed on the show) since I don’t want to spoil it for you, but it’s interesting to watch the relationships unfold.
I think we would all like to think ‘love is blind’ but after watching this, and really stewing about it, I believe this concept is more complicated than what’s seen on the show and can be looked at on a lot of different levels.
First, the show focuses on looks and race in terms of ‘blindness’. Fall in the love with the person, not how beautiful or handsome they are and learn about a person without stereotyping in terms of skin color or ethnicity. The thing is, this isn’t a big deal on the show. EVERY single contestant is gorgeously yummy, so anyone picked is going to look good!
Why did the producers do this if they really wanted to see if love is blind? Because it’s not. Does it sound shallow if we say looks don’t matter? I personally don’t think it is. I believe we all have somewhat of a type, but if you talk about it you sound superficial as if knowing what looks good to you is wrong. Look, I like a certain look in fashion (running shorts and t’s…quite the couture), a certain type of car style, a certain type of house architecture, etc. I know what I ‘like’…what pleases me. Why is it bad to have preferences for partners too? I like tall men, a bit bigger guy (but someone that can hike and run and do stuff with me…in other words, keep up with this bipolar woman), a crinkle to the eyes when they smile, hands that show they know how to work, some arm muscle, facial hair, nice teeth, etc.
This is MY type. What I like. So, if I meet a man who is shorter than me with a smile I don’t find attractive and very skinny, I’m sorry but I’m not going to be attracted. “But Kristi, for fuck sakes, you can learn to love them if you have the right foundation.” Maybe so. Platonically at least. I’m not saying this guy wouldn’t be a good, kind, sweet, smart man by any means. But, I happen to believe that sex is an important part of a partnership, and not being attracted to someone physically, even though you are mentally and emotionally, can cause the relationship to be more brother and sister, than hubby and wifey (I’m looking at this heterosexually since that’s what I am, although it hasn’t worked out great for me 😳).
“But Kristi, you yourself, in your amazingly brilliant, much sought after lectures, have yacked on (and on and on) that you can learn to love someone. That love is an ‘art’ (thank you Erich Fromm)…something you have to build and nurture.” Yes, I know that grasshoppers, but building love, and building sexual attraction, are 2 very different things.
Think about this: I knew a guy from 7th grade through high school that I thought was ‘it’! I tried to get him to notice me all of those years (don’t say it…pathetic) and finally, after graduation, he asked me out! YEA! I was so excited! I don’t think I ever spent as much time getting ready for a date in all my life since I wanted to look as perfect to him as he did to me. When he picked me up, I was almost giddy; I mean, this was it! My dreamboat (🙄)…my 18 year old soul-mate. He drove us to the mall to look at CD’s (shutty…I know I’m old(er) and can even remember buying…gasp…cassettes at the mall too, along with 45’s. If you don’t know what those are, ask your ma.) and after just arriving he opened the mall door, stepped inside and kept walking. Heh? He let the door close on me. OK. But I figured this was a small thing and something I’d fix when we were married. Throughout the night he proceeded to be the most self-centered, pompous, narcissistic asshole I’d ever met (and even now, he’s still up there). Those 4 hours we spent together made me go from salivating over him to thinking how ‘ugly’ he was after all. I wouldn’t have been with him for a million bucks (OK, maybe for a million…but then again, getting paid for sex is well…ahem…a bit slutty), but you get my point.
Maybe some looks don’t do it for me, but then again, some personality quirks can turn me off an attractive person as well. Hmmmm…love is blind?
Why didn’t the producers use people that were overweight? Disabled in some way? Here’s one: mentally ill (gasp!)? More regular looking, as opposed to every woman having a flat belly and big boobs, with the guys having extra good looks. Would love be blind then?
Then, you have to look at another question: SHOULD love be blind in terms of other aspects of the person? Once again, rail against me if you must, but a criminal record that includes any sort of domestic violence or child abuse is something I need to SEE. What about a current addiction for which the person isn’t wanting to get help? How about them being an atheist when spirituality is important to me? Seven divorces (above my own personal record)? No thank you. A man whose work ethic is non-existent? Someone who is racist? Homophobic? Refers to mental illness as those ‘crazies’? Nuh uh. How about someone who is as opposite me politically as you can get (been there…done that…and the arguments left us both alienated and frustrated)? Someone who has never had kids because they really don’t like them? And I could go on and on and on.
My belief is that we should NOT be blind to these things. Seriously. Because as an older woman (but not that old…remember that, peeps) who does have some (cough cough) experience in the realm of relationships/marriage, these are things that can greatly affect your relationship and can pull you apart faster than Taron can get my heart racing (and that’s mighty fast, y’all 🤭). These are also things that can be dangerous (obviously), pull your own family apart, have a horrible impact on your kids, etc.
When I was dating ‘The Counselor (lawyer)’ in December and January (much too long), I ran a report on him like I did for Hubby 3 and J when we got together. Look, I have a son (and with Hubby, he was only 12) and hope to have grand kids soon (O…did you read that sentence? Go back honey…and read the freaking thing again); I definitely don’t want some boob around them. ‘The Counselor’ was highly pissed when I casually mentioned the report (run one on me…I don’t care!) and that was a huge red flag for me. For piss sakes, he has a daughter! Does he want her to jump into something with someone who’s been in jail 5 times? C’mon now. Or, as my ma likes to say: “Think Man!”
The last really interesting thing I got from this show is when the couples had no access to their phones or social media, and only focused on each other, things were hunky-dory. However, after their engagements and get-aways, when they got these things back, a lot of couples slid downhill and were really negatively affected by them. That in itself teaches us a huge lesson. Let me say it Professor K style (not like I would in the classroom, but with frankness): leave the fucking devices alone and focus on the real person right in front of you! I know couples that can’t even eat together without their devices. That are on them when they are watching a movie together…when they’re out and about. Great. This will be a terrific foundation for caring for a baby together, where you have to put these time-suckers down and get your hands dirty…literally. Hey, there’s no freaking app that changes diapers, wipes up puke everyday, helps you handle the stress of colic, deals with a tantrum in the middle of the store, etc. Right?
So, is love blind? Nope. And it shouldn’t be. You should look for what your preference is. What you want in terms of looks, personality, morals, ideologies, etc. In class, I call it my ‘Captain Crunch’ theory (this is going to get copyrighted since it’s such a deep theory that could be written about in a textbook): if you like CC, crave CC, are always happy with CC, and enjoy the looks and texture of CC, for fuck sakes don’t buy Fruit Loops just because you have a coupon and it’s easier to reach on the shelf. And if you do, and decide they’re icky after all, hey…that’s your fault. You chose what you didn’t like instead of what you knew you wanted. You went the easier route…and look what it got you. A taste of fake orange in your mouth that you try to brush out and then your toothpaste tastes disgusting and mouthwash only moves the goop that gets stuck in your teeth all through your mouth and for the rest of day, you are tasting spearmint fruit. Ugh.
‘Nuff said. 🤓
Kristi xoxo
It’s All in Your Head 